Black Women’s Narratives Navigating Gendered Racism in Student Affairs
Abstract
:1. Introduction
2. Literature Review
2.1. Racial and Gender Microaggressions
2.2. Racial Battle Fatigue, Gendered Racism, and Othermothering
2.3. Self-Care, Coping, and Healing Strategies from Gendered Racism
3. Theoretical Framework: Black Feminist Thought
4. Methodology and Methods
4.1. Data Collection
4.2. Positionality
Mercy’s transcript was great from a research perspective, and a bit exhausting from a personal perspective. It was long, dense, and visceral in a way I wasn’t expecting. I was planning to do four transcripts today, but this felt like doing four in one.
4.3. Data Analysis
I went back through my Researcher Journal and I thought about the words I would use (powerful) and see how many times I used them. Things that I could either relate to or things that elicited some type of stronger reaction, like shock or why did that really just happen?
5. Findings
5.1. Mercy’s Narrative
We used to think that Black men were the target but then you know, Sandra Bland and whoever else. The fact that I remember sitting at a stop light, coming to the realization that the fact that I’m a woman does not make me safe and I hadn’t actively thought that before but it was in there.
And so it has never been easy [being a Black woman] but over the last three or four years, it has gotten significantly and continuously worse. From police shootings to this current political climate to hate crimes against not only Black people but Muslims and the narrative around folks of Hispanic descent or folks from Mexico or wherever.
I guess most directly, just what it feels like to be Black in a climate like where we are. Not just in America, in other places, as well. You know, everywhere has their problems. But also, I have had this for the last several months, probably going on a year now, just this thought that keeps going around and around in my head. Like, where can I go? Where can I go? Where is safe? Where can I just not feel like… Where can I feel safe? Where can I go where I’ll be understood, you know, my actions won’t be misinterpreted or I won’t be misidentified? Just where is that?
I was surprised at the response that I had. Like, I was terrified, and I could not get out of bed. If I was experiencing that and I lead a fairly privileged life. Thankfully. I have employer provided insurance and things like that but all this other stuff, how are other people dealing with it?
Whenever something like that happens, students come to my office and are like, “Doc, did you hear that so and so?” Or “Doc, did you so and so?” Ugh! And they never come like six at a time so we can have a conversation at once. They come one at a time. Two at a time and seven more are coming tomorrow. “What are we going to do? This and that. They shot so and so”. Every time, somebody comes to my office to talk about one of these things whether it just happened or whether it’s a court case or whether it’s some development. Or somebody said something crazy to them and they feel some kind of way and they need to come process it. Every time I’m forced to have a conversation like that, I feel like there’s no escape. There’s nowhere to go. You literally have to live this.
I would say though, I have not felt like the institution has done a really good job of, I don’t know how to say it, making me feel like they’re aware of… Awareness is not the right word. I don’t know. I have just been dissatisfied with their response. I’ll just say that. I’m not even quite sure what my expectations are but the emails that come out from the president are very academic. They’re very, “This is what has happened. This is what’s in news and this is what happened in court, yesterday. Please be aware that our core values are x, y, z, w, and we will live up to these”. Okay. Your core values are on the website.
You know, one of my staff members actually, he told me that he went… He stopped at a gas station on his way home and a lady who was… It was on a day that I think it was the day that Philando Castile got shot or around that time. He was heading home and there was a lady pumping gas at a gas station and she said to him, “Please drive carefully”. She don’t know him from anywhere. She’s telling him please drive carefully and that like, he knew there was a problem but it never occurred to him that it was so bad that a stranger would tell him. He’s coming to me and telling me that and I’m like, “Yeah, I never thought about that either”. I mean it’s bad. Fear is a big part of it. Not so much fear for myself but fear for specifically my husband and these students because what can we do? If we do what we’re told, we get shot.
Yeah. I learned that lesson [needing to take care of my needs] the hard way though. I learned that lesson the hard way. Typically, I get to the breaking point is when I know I need to relax. I don’t have, okay, yellow light, warning, warning. Alright the yellow light is blinking. It’s time for you… It’s all the way to the red light before I recognize that something’s wrong.
It’s when those symptoms start to return that I realize that I’m completely stressed out. I’m better now at spotting them early, and at that point I can, “Alright, I need to take a break or I need to take some time off or we can’t have this conversation now”. But that came from years and years and years of struggle.
I mean to be quite honest and maybe this is terrible but I have turned people away. I’m like, “You know what, I cannot discuss this with you right now because I am all in my feelings and I cannot. I literally cannot. So, I’m really sorry but we’re going to either have to talk about something else or you’re going to have to come back tomorrow”.
So, I’m used to carrying that amount of stress and in some ways that has, maybe inoculated me a little bit but if I am at this point, it’s bad. You know, it’s really bad. So, things are happening and walking into my office, to me it’s kind of like a safe space in some ways but I used to keep my doors open and now I don’t anymore. I manage much more carefully who comes in and “I don’t have time to waste with you right now because I have some things to process”. You know, because they would come in and sit down. I have couches. I have a refrigerator. There’s water. They’ll just come in, “Hey Doc, so and so. Oh, I got a good grade in my class”. “Alright, cool”. And we’ll talk about whatever. I need some time to myself. I mean, I’m sure it impacts the service that I provide.
But know what I do, is I reupholster chairs and I love that. I’m sitting here right now thinking about I can’t wait until I get home to get the chair that I’m working on. So, that gives me a sense, a place where I can go, some things that I can do. You know, it’s repetitive stuff. Once you know how to do it, you know how to do it.
We have a rotten foundation and the house is tilting and you’re able to tell me the house is not tilting and the house is tilting. So, we can stand here and argue about whether or not it’s tilted or we can go try to find the problem and try to fix it. You can try to prove me wrong and I’ll try to prove you wrong. Let’s go look at this foundation.
5.2. Marian’s Narrative
I was just having a conversation with one of my co-workers who’s like a really good friend, and we’re talking about orientation, and we do this presentation and we almost sing and dance. We do this karaoke before we start it because we’re just fun people. I said, “Are we really this fun or are we trying to make them [white people] feel comfortable?” So, it’s almost having to question yourself, “Is this my true personality or is it the nice version of me ‘cause I don’t feel like scaring nobody?”
Everybody loves the two Black people, but it’s just that am I really this nice? Am I really this funny? Am I really this sweet and helpful and all these other things? Or I’m just trying not to be an angry Black girl?
“Please advise of how to move forward”. And I was like, “Wait, I’m telling him what to do. Let me delete that sentence”. Because coming from me, that’s a command, and I’ve been told by Black men on campus that I’m just zero to protest. That’s been a comment. So, it’s just always being conscious of what you look like, how you’re talking, what your hands are doing, what, you know the dialect, I’m from Virginia, but I’m also from the hood a little bit. So sometimes it come out when I get excited, and I don’t do all these pleasantries and whatever. It’s just a constant struggle. It’s like being on Broadway all the time and trying to stay to a script.
I think just that constant with all of the shootings that are happening, with our students wanting to be activists, being afraid too with, in my own position, being one of the only Women of Color. I don’t know. I can’t specify one time, but it’s just a lot of stuff just happens over and over. People getting shot, and then I’m turning around having to come to work and being told that I’m loud and I’m aggressive and all these things that Black people have to deal with. So, it’s just, I don’t know. It’s not just one. I think that’s the fatigue part, it’s not just one… it’s almost like a landslide and one little drop and then you look up and it’s like “Wait a minute”.
I went to my Black co-workers and was just like, “Damn”, and they was like, “I know”. But nobody else knew what was going on. Nobody else knew anything or any of the new administration, with the Trump era going on. I don’t know. ‘Cause literally, you just have to almost shuck your job just to get through your day.
To be 100% transparent, this is why I’m really interested in the topic, I’ve had to see counseling. Now, my master’s is mostly in counseling, so I know the benefit of it. But still there’s that stigma. It’s almost like being in a sandpit, quicksand, whatever it is and just knowing that the more I fight is actually gonna make it worse. So, if I just sit here, then I won’t move. Do you know what I’m saying? The thing is exactly the way with quicksand, the more you do, it’s just gonna push you down further so, it’s just that feeling of, “Damn, even if I’m not in student affairs, this is going to happen to me elsewhere”.
I would say in my younger days, I was very cognizant of what I was wearing, what I was doing, all these other things. Now, not to say my title has something to do with it, but like I’m an associate director now, and you see I walked in real smooth. I come in with my headwrap on, Black Lives Matter shirts and stuff, and I double dare somebody to say something to me now. But, I think I’m more comfortable in who I am now.
It’s like, you know, when you look at your meetings for the day and you know who you’re gonna see, you know, whether we do it consciously or not, sometimes it determines how we dress. You know, “Is my dress gonna be long enough or short enough”, you know what I’m saying? “What’s my hair gonna look like?” Sometimes, I feel that I’m meeting with a big fro and forgot. Everybody giving these stares, and I be like, “You know what I’m saying?” It’s like I really wanted my hair like this, it’s cute, but I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to hear the comments. I didn’t want somebody to reach and touch it. I just didn’t feel like being petted or any of those things.
Oh child. I would say, if you lose yourself, it’s hard to get yourself back. And, notice your work, is it worth it? I got a mug, and I got a cup, right? You’re pouring so much into people and then this overflows, right? This is getting overflown with getting all this stuff and you’re empty. You don’t have anywhere else to fill yourself. Then, you just poured all yourself out and then once they’re empty, you’re like, “Well, where do I go?” You know what I’m saying? You’re not helping anybody if you can’t refill yourself. So, find your source of energy, whatever that is, and always recharge.
5.3. Zuri’s Narrative
I felt like the conversations never went beyond how can we actually remedy this, and I feel like a lot of times Professionals of Color in higher ed always have to adjust who they are, the type of administrator they are in terms of fighting capitalism and depending on their identities, the oppressions that they face.
I think [RBF] means structural barriers in having to be your authentic self at work, I’m thinking in the context of work… Anything, and not only the structural part, but how that plays out within our personal and internalized oppression as well. I think just what inhibits you from having or feeling like you had agency or control over how you navigate your professional life.
So, to me what we can do about it is, how do we change the culture and how we think about what our role professionally and how capitalism impacts that… I think race needs to be at the center but there are other things that also play into that, like gender, I can talk about how my gender has impacted the way that folks see my race and see me as a professional, and capitalism always has to be in that conversation in terms of who is seen as a professional, whose thoughts and opinions are valued, and even age as well, I think that all of those things compounded really tells a story more than just how your race plays into it… A cis Black man can navigate the institution in a different way that I can, you know what I mean? And to just talk about it in terms of blackness I think it’s doing it a disservice.
I just think it’s really important to start talking about these things [RBF] and also complicate what it means for Professionals of Color, not only to teach us how to adjust and to make sure that we’re taking care of ourselves, but like how can we structure universities and colleges in a way that we don’t have to feel this way? So, I think it’s really important, and I just think any opportunity to talk about it, to offer any insight or nuance I think it’s really important.
Whenever higher-level administration is at the table, I think that’s where I feel [RBF] the most, and I think the way that [name of institution] is specifically structured and that a lot of the decisions are made at the top without our input, I think that makes it the helplessness, or hopelessness that I feel, I think it’s exacerbated ‘cause I know that my voice may not go as far, or that I’m being judged, you know?
And I’m very curvaceous, too, so I think just being a Black woman, and then also having these curves, it makes it, I think, a little bit more scandalous quote unquote to have certain clothes on. So that was always in the background of mind, now it’s always, after that, I became very wary of what I wore to certain events, and I hate professionalism, I hate professional clothes, that’s bullshit to me. So, I always try to fight that as much as possible, but I understand in certain setting I’ll have to negotiate that because it will always be a risk to come in different, or non-professional attire, whatever that means. And then also viewing other white men who wear khakis and very casual clothes to work and nobody ever says anything to them, they move up levels, you know what I mean?
How People of Color often appropriate the rules around how to survive in an institution, I think really complicates how we think about racial battle fatigue, so I think it hurts even more when it comes from a Person of Color who also acknowledges the oppression that can come with talking about professionalism and how limiting that can be, especially for a person like me, I think it’s worse, I think it hurts a lot more… I understand where they’re coming from in terms of wanting to protect other Administrators of Color and teaching them the rules and the ropes on how to navigate the institution, but at the same time it’s like, all right, then we’re reappropriating this oppression too and not asking the right questions about why we think this. Especially when you’re in a higher level, I can’t challenge the VP [Vice President] of student affairs the way you can challenge them, you have a bit more leverage in doing that in terms of your name and your status, whereas me, they can just let me go.
I’ve been thinking about healing for a long, long time, and I think it’s a continual process. Especially, not just beyond the oppression that we feel at work, but also what we come with. I think finding that space to heal and talk about [trauma] in a place of work is really important. And then self-care, I always have mixed feeling about the words self-care as it’s so tied to capitalism. I think about it in a very communal way, ‘cause I think I depend on a lot of people to help me heal, to listen to me, to support me, so focusing on the self I think is important, but I think community care, I think is, in the context of working in higher ed, I think is more important to me and how we help each other take care of ourselves. When I think about taking care of myself, I think a lot about making sure my people are good, too, and that’s a way of taking care of myself, ‘cause often in the lens of others… ‘Cause capitalism is really focused on the individual, like how you’re taking care of yourself, but that doesn’t do anything to change the structures, and we think about how we remedy solutions, or how we remedy issues on our campuses, to just think about ourselves and how we can take care of ourselves is… And how do we do that without having any money?
I think what would be really cool is how to create, how to start imagining those faces. We always talk about how do we imagine liberation? What does that look like for us? And really going to that radical space. I would love to have conversations or a community around that… ‘cause community was always a point for me, and I wanted that so bad, and when I got into college it validated the experiences that I had growing up, like, “I’m not alone, I’m not crazy for thinking that”. And I think when imagining a new university, ‘cause you start critiquing the multiple ways that you’ve experienced oppression and it validates that, and I think for me validation is a part of that healing. And then also what your role is in imagining what a new world would be like.
I would tell them they’re not crazy, breaking down what their experiences mean in the structural sense, validating their experiences and then I think just creating relationships. Like, how do we create a relationship? How do we support each other? I think that would be my next question or point of conversation; how can I better support you?
6. Discussion
6.1. Contributions to Black Feminist Thought
6.2. Contributions to Other Literature
7. Implications for Practice
8. Conclusions
Author Contributions
Funding
Institutional Review Board Statement
Informed Consent Statement
Data Availability Statement
Conflicts of Interest
References
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Share and Cite
Quaye, S.J.; Satterwhite, E.M.; Abukar, J. Black Women’s Narratives Navigating Gendered Racism in Student Affairs. Educ. Sci. 2023, 13, 874. https://doi.org/10.3390/educsci13090874
Quaye SJ, Satterwhite EM, Abukar J. Black Women’s Narratives Navigating Gendered Racism in Student Affairs. Education Sciences. 2023; 13(9):874. https://doi.org/10.3390/educsci13090874
Chicago/Turabian StyleQuaye, Stephen John, Erin M. Satterwhite, and Jasmine Abukar. 2023. "Black Women’s Narratives Navigating Gendered Racism in Student Affairs" Education Sciences 13, no. 9: 874. https://doi.org/10.3390/educsci13090874
APA StyleQuaye, S. J., Satterwhite, E. M., & Abukar, J. (2023). Black Women’s Narratives Navigating Gendered Racism in Student Affairs. Education Sciences, 13(9), 874. https://doi.org/10.3390/educsci13090874