“Should I Stay, or Should I Go?”: The Experiences of, and Choices Available to Women of South Asian Heritage Living in the UK When Leaving a Relationship of Choice Following Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)
Abstract
:1. Introduction
2. Forming Intimate Relationships
2.1. The Practice of Arranged Marriage in the UK
2.2. Honour and Shame
2.3. Patriarchy
3. Research Design, Methodology and Methods
4. Results
4.1. Women’s Sense of Personal Responsibility in Choosing Their Partners
Nirvair, a 29-year-old British born Sikh woman who married her husband, a Sikh Indian national, with her family’s full support referred to the implications of the fact that the decision to marry her husband was hers solely.“Oh, it’s like my fault because I chose him, and I wanted to be with him and cos of him I’ve been disowned”—Jazmin
Women participants also spoke about how they alone had to resolve the situation because of their decision to choose their intimate partner. Krishna, a 45-year-old Hindu woman with two children, felt it was her responsibility to resolve the situation with her abusive husband.“It was me who went to them [her parents] and said, “I want to marry him”. It wasn’t them saying “You have to marry him” and I think for me personally it did. It was quite a big influence on everything.”—Nirvair
All the women expressed a huge sense of responsibility. This reflects an understanding of the wider implications they faced as a result of transgressing the social norm of arranged marriage and choosing their own partner. The women blamed themselves. They felt they would be judged and they had to resolve the situation without asking for any help from their families or others. The family did not play any role in choice of partner and so the women, now facing difficulties, did not feel they had the right to ask for protection (Mohee 2011).“I chose it. I’m the one who, who got myself into this and it’s my job to put up with it not everybody else’s job to get me out.”—Krishna
4.2. Women Stayed in Relationships Longer
Other women felt that by choosing their partner themselves they had created the situation they found themselves in and so had to continue enduring the abuse from their partners. Their efforts to make the relationship work had the opposite effect. Jazmin stated“ … so, part of me thought “No I’ve got to stick it out and prove that I was right” or I won’t be able to deal with erm, almost that, that personal shame of I went through all of that, did that, put my family through that and now I end up with this.”—Harjit
Sara, a 36-year-old British born Muslim woman who was in a relationship with a man of Black Caribbean heritage also spoke about why she endured her partner’s violence towards her.“I thought I can’t [leave the relationship], I have to make it work so it’s like that saying that they say, “you make your own bed, you lie in it” (laughs). So that’s what I tried to do but it—the situation got way out of hand.”—Jazmin
Women endured emotional, financial and physiological abuse as well as physical violence because they regarded their decision to choose their partner outweighed everything else. They reflected on their actions and accountability.“I chose to be with him and now I’m in this situation. I have to put up with it. I have to try and make it work.”—Sara
Most of the participants endured one abusive intimate partner relationship. Four women experienced two such relationships where their first intimate relationships were forced marriages and then chose their own partners in the subsequent relationship. Two women experienced intimate partner violence in two relationships, where the perpetrators were partners they had chosen. This factor became significant, especially in the second relationship. Krishna explains.“I think choosing my own partner … made me feel like I had a responsibility to make that marriage work … I think if he didn’t physically abuse me, I think I would have stuck it out … I tolerated it cos I just thought “You know you made the decision to be here” … and I think that influenced a lot of my poorly judged decisions at the time”—Nirvair
Women stayed in the relationships longer to prove to their families and communities that their decisions were correct despite their departure from the social norm of arranged marriage. They put energy into making the relationships work because they did not want to be judged by society a second time for rejecting expectations of them to remain in the relationship. The women’s accounts show the depth and influence of valuing success in relationships at all costs (Anitha and Gill 2009). The women’s sense of honour and shame enforced such pressures to remain in the relationships at all costs (Siddiqui 2013). The gendered expectations and influence of honour and shame on women who have chosen their intimate partners, when negotiating whether to leave the abusive relationship are hitherto rarely explored within the academy.“I felt ashamed of myself and especially when it happened second time, that’s even worse you feel because then that’s the reason I put up with it for eight years because I thought people won’t believe me, again. “The story repeats again” that’s what I said and now I joke around, and I said “You know what “One time wasn’t enough, so I had to dive into a big sea again to feel the water”—Krishna
4.3. Relationship with Parents
The close ties of family relationships also manifested in women’s reflections of disclosing the abuse to their parents. Samia expressed how momentous an occasion it was:“I certainly was erm, almost afraid of a second rejection if that makes sense, in that was I going to be told “Well, you know, you’re the one who made that decision? You’re the one who erm, decided it”. or whatever and I certainly missed being able to share what was going on, but I didn’t feel that I could for fear of being told “well, no it was your decision”—Harjit
Samia felt the size and the gender of her family members factored into how she weighed up the risks and consequences of choosing her partner and the consequences of how many family members she had to tell.“I think it was actually one of the hardest things was to tell my mother what had been happening because I had, I’d chosen him”—Samia
In addition to the size of the family, women found their mothers and fathers responded differently. Pania, a 31-year-old Muslim woman of African and Indian heritage with two children aged 3 and 4 years said.“… I mean for me in a way I only had my mother with whom I wasn’t getting on. I had no other family really. I had nothing. All I had was rubbish. I mean I don’t mean that—it’s just bad you know and to lose my mother was erm was bad …but I’ve talked to other women who are in similar situation and they couldn’t make the choices”—Samia
Some women felt a sense of betrayal and were angry at their parents’ lack of support and the subsequent isolation they felt from their families. As their offspring, women felt they deserved support. Kiran describes how she regarded her parents’ response to her situation and her expectations of them:“So, I do speak to my mum and she’s really humble, really. She’s forgiven me. She’s, she’s okay and I’m quite relieved but my father, no, no, no, no for him…still my father is, I think, is very angry… He (Pania’s father) says to him[self] I’m a dead person. He doesn’t wanna know anything about me … It’s like I’ve killed everything in him,”—Pania
Women also experienced isolation from their wider community. Krishna describes the comments people made when she attended local community events after splitting up from her husband.“My parents may not have wanted to support me but to completely remove contact? ... my situation was so bad, it’s because of that, that I left and thought they would come round. My husband was hitting me, and it wasn’t that they came and cried that their daughter is being treated so badly. Support is about “this is my daughter. She’s our blood and we’ll care for her and help. So, she made a mistake, never mind.” But no “she made a mistake so leave her. She made a mistake, leave her.” That’s what they said to me. The whole blame is on me.”—Kiran
As well as the community, partners also exploited women’s isolation and estrangement from their families further entrenching women’s sense of being completely alone. Sara gave an example of the verbal abuse she received from her partner, which became a factor in her staying in the relationship longer.“I was blacklisted in the whole Indian community. No one would talk to me. I was a bad person and they’ll start saying in the public places…“Do you know what if you want to kick your mother-in-law out and your husband out…come over because … she will give people training” and err I thought that was horrible of Indian community not understanding you. What woman is going through deep down”—Krishna
Not all of the participants’ relationships with their parents had deteriorated. Some women described the emotional support and response they received from their parents. Renaisha is a 38-year-old woman of Indian heritage who has two children aged 14 and 12. She described her parents’ response to her when she told them about the domestic violence she had suffered for 17 years.““Your family didn’t care about you. They didn’t support you.” Basically, I had to put up with whatever was thrown at me …It was my choice, I did this. I chose to be with him and now I’m in this situation. I have to put up with it. I have to try and make it work.”—Sara
Renaisha was not expecting the reaction she received from her parents. Other women such as Krishna and Anita received mixed messages from their parents and overall found their parents to be supportive:“… my parents didn’t know for seventeen years but when they realised they were extremely supportive. “No, you don’t deserve a life like this. You need to leave … This is not a marriage. This is not what marriage is.” … Amazingly, (starts crying) I think that the first thing I, I was expecting to hear from my mum and dad that “we had told you” and I was shocked and to this day they have never mentioned it.”—Renaisha
Others simply did not want to offer an opportunity for their parents to add to abuse their partners. Anita, a 31-year-old woman of Pakistani heritage explained.“I cried so much to my mom over the phone and I said “Mom, I don’t know what to do.” I didn’t go into details with my mom. I said, “Mom I can’t live in this abuse anymore” and my mom goes “I told you not to go.” She said “It doesn’t matter I’m still here for you, we’re all here for you. Why did you put up with it second time? We told you not to put up with any abuses”—Krishna
Parental involvement regardless of level of participation remains significant within the arranged marriage practice (Pande 2014). The women in this study did not involve their parents in their decision-making. However, the women’s responses show that both they and their parents are socialised in the practice of arranged marriage and both are negotiating changes to this cultural norm as a consequence of the women choosing their own partners. The power imbalances within families remain, illustrated by the way women expected their parents to behave, wanted them to behave, or were surprised by their responses. There is a gap in the literature that looks at the relationship between women and their parents when women have chosen their own partners and their subsequent experiences of domestic abuse within the intimate relationship.“I never told my parents about that relationship because erm it was—there was nothing in that relationship worth telling my parents for… actually the last thing you want is someone to sit there and slag off your partner to you”—Anita
5. Discussion—“Should I Stay, or Should I Go?”—Barriers to Leaving
6. Conclusions
Author Contributions
Funding
Acknowledgments
Conflicts of Interest
References
- Amos, Valerie, and Pratibha Parmar. 1984. Challenging Imperial Feminism. Feminist Review 17: 3–19. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [Green Version]
- Anitha, Sundari, and Aisha K. Gill. 2009. Coercion, consent and the forced marriage debate in the UK. Feminist Legal Studies 17: 165–84. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Anitha, Sundari, and Aisha K. Gill. 2011. Reconceptualising Consent and Coercion within an Intersectional Understanding of Forced Marriage. Edited by Aisha K. Gill and Sundari Anitha. London: Zed Books, pp. 46–66. [Google Scholar]
- Bano, Samia. 2010. Shariah Councils and the Resolution of Matrimonial Disputes. In Violence against Women in South Asian Communities: Issues for Policy and Practice. Edited by Ravi Thiara and Aisha K. Gill. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, pp. 182–210. [Google Scholar]
- Bhopal, Kalwant. 2000. Gender, ‘Race’ and Power in the Research Process: South Asian Women in East London. Edited by C. Truman, D. M. Mertens and B. Humphries. London: UCL Press, pp. 66–78. [Google Scholar]
- Bhopal, Kalwant. 2011. ‘Education makes you have more say in the way your life goes’: Indian women and arranged marriages in the United Kingdom. British Journal of Sociology of Education 32: 431–47. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Braun, Virginia, and Viictoria Clarke. 2013. Successful Qualitative Research: A Practical Guide for Beginners. London: SAGE Publications Ltd. [Google Scholar]
- Chakravarti, Uma. 2005. From Fathers to Husbands: Of Love, Death and Marriage in North India. Edited by Lynn Welchman and Sara Hossain. London: Zed Books, pp. 308–31. [Google Scholar]
- Chantler, Khatidja. 2014. What’s Love Got to Do with Marriage. Families, Relationships and Societies 39: 19–33. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Cho, Sumi, Kimberle Crenshaw, and Leslie McCall. 2013. Toward a Field of Intersectionality Studies: Theory, Applications, and Praxis. Signs: Intersectionality: Theorizing Power, Empowering Theory 38: 785–810. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [Green Version]
- Collins, Patricia Hill. 2000. Black Feminist Thought: Knowledge, Consciousness and the Politics of Empowerment, 2nd ed. London: Routledge. [Google Scholar]
- Collins, Patricia Hill. 2015. No guarantees: Symposium on Black Feminist Thought. Ethnic and Racial Studies 38: 2349–54. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Collins, Patricia Hill. 2019. Intersectionality as Critical Social Theory. Durham: Duke University Press. [Google Scholar]
- Coomaraswamy, Radhika. 2005. Preface: Violence against Women and ‘Crimes of Honour’. Edited by Lynn Welchman and Sara Hossain. London: Zed Books, pp. xi–xiv. [Google Scholar]
- Dustin, Moira, and Anne Phillips. 2008. Whose agenda Is It? Abuses of women and abuses of ‘culture in Britain. Ethnicities 8: 405–24. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [Green Version]
- Eckstein, Jessica J. 2011. Reasons for Staying in Intimately Violent Relationships: Comparisons of Men and Women and Messages Communicated to Self and Others. Journal of Family Violence 26: 21–30. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Gill, Aisha K. 2003. Domestic Violence—Edited. Community Care 1465: 42. [Google Scholar]
- Gill, Aisha K. 2004. Voicing the Silent Fear: South Asian Women’s Experiences of Domestic Violence. The Howard Journal 43: 465–83. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Gill, Aisha K., and Avtar Brah. 2014. Interrogating cultural narratives about ‘honour’—Based violence. European Journal of Women’s Studies 21: 72–86. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Gill, Aisha K., and Taher Hamed. 2016. Muslim Women and Forced Marriages in the UK. Journal of Muslim Minority Affairs 36: 540–60. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [Green Version]
- Gill, Aisha K., and Karen Harrison. 2019. ‘I Am Talking About It Because I Want to Stop It’: Child Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Against Women in British South Asian Communities. British Journal of Criminology 59: 511–29. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Gill, Aisha K., and Heather Harvey. 2017. Examining the Impact of Gender on Young People’s Views of Forced Marriage in Britain. Feminist Criminology 12: 72–100. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [Green Version]
- Kallivayalil, Diya. 2010. Narratives of suffering of South Asian immigrant survivors of domestic violence. Violence against Women 16: 789–811. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [PubMed]
- Kelly, Liz. 1988. Surviving Sexual Violence. Cambridge: Polity Press. [Google Scholar]
- Letherby, Gayle. 2003. Feminist Research in Theory and Practice. Buckingham: Open University Press. [Google Scholar]
- Lorde, Audre. 1996. The Audre Lorde Compendium: Essays, Speeches and Journals: The Cancer Journals, Sister Outsider, a Burst of Light. London: Pandora. [Google Scholar]
- Mahmood, Saba. 2005. Politics of Piety: The Islamic Revival and the Feminist Subject. Princeton: Princeton University Press. [Google Scholar]
- Meetoo, Veena, and Heidi Safia Mirza. 2007. “There is nothing ‘honourable’ about honour killings”: Gender, violence and the limits of multiculturalism. Women’s Studies International Forum 30: 187–200. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Mohee, Samia. 2011. Young British South Asian Muslim Women: Identities and Marriage. Ph.D. thesis, University College London, London, UK; p. 364. [Google Scholar]
- Narayan, Uma. 2001. Minds of Their Own: Choices, Autonomy, Cultural Practices, and Other Women’. In A Mind of One’s Own: Feminist Essays on Reason and Objectivity. Edited by Louise Antony and Charlotte Witt. Boulder: Taylor & Francis Group, pp. 418–32. [Google Scholar]
- Oakley, Ann. 2016. Sex, Gender and Society, rev. ed. Abingdon: Routledge. [Google Scholar]
- Pande, Raksha. 2015. ‘I arranged my own marriage’: arranged marriages and post-colonial feminism. Gender, Place & Culture 22: 172–87. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [Green Version]
- Pande, Raksha. 2016. Becoming modern: British-Indian discourses of arranged marriages. Social & Cultural Geography 17: 380–400. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef] [Green Version]
- Patel, Pragna. 2003a. Shifting Terrains: Old Struggles for New? Edited by Rahila Gupta. London: Zed Books, pp. 234–60. [Google Scholar]
- Patel, Pragna. 2003b. The Tricky Blue Line: Black Women and Policing. Edited by Rahila Gupta. London: Zed Books, pp. 160–87. [Google Scholar]
- Patel, Pragna. 2013. Multi-Faithism and the Gender Question: Implications of Government Policy on the Struggle for Equality and Rights Minority Ethnic Women in the UK. Edited by Yasmin Rehman, Liz Kelly and Hannana Siddiqui. Farnham: Ashgate Publishing Limited, pp. 41–58. [Google Scholar]
- Reynolds, Tracey. 2002. Re-thinking a black feminist standpoint. Ethnic and Racial Studies 25: 591–606. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- Sen, Purna. 2005. ‘Crimes of Honour’, Value and Meaning. Edited by Lynn Welchman and Sara Hossain. London: Zed Books, pp. 42–63. [Google Scholar]
- Siddiqui, Hannana. 2003. ‘It Was Written in Her Kismet’: Forced Marriage. Edited by Gupta Rahila. New York: Palgrave, pp. 67–91. [Google Scholar]
- Siddiqui, Hannana. 2005. ‘There is No “Honour” in Domestic Voilence, Only Shame!’ Women’s Struggles against ‘Honour’ Crimes in the UK. Edited by Lynn Welchman and Sara Hossain. London: Zed Books, pp. 263–81. [Google Scholar]
- Siddiqui, Hannana. 2011. ‘I Wish I’d Taken Her with Me’: The Lives of Black and Minority Ethnic Women Facing Gender-Based Violence. Edited by Tamsin Bradley. London: Zed Books, pp. 169–90. [Google Scholar]
- Siddiqui, Hannana. 2013. ‘True Honour: Domestic Violence, Forced Marriage and Honour Crimes in the UK. Edited by Yasmin Rehman, Liz Kelly and Hannana Siddiqui. Farnham: Ashgate Publishing Limited, pp. 169–84. [Google Scholar]
- Siddiqui, Hannana. 2014. Violence against Minority Women: Tackling Domestic Violence, Forced Marriage and ‘Honour’ Based Violence. Coventry: Centre for the Study of Safety and Well-being Centre for Lifelong Learning University of Warwick. [Google Scholar]
- Siddiqui, Hannana. 2016. What Will It Take to End Honour Based Violence in the UK? OpenDemocracy. Available online: https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/5050/lasting-change-to-end-honour-based-violen/ (accessed on 25 August 2020).
- Thiara, Ravi. 2013. ‘It’s All about Stopping You from Getting on with Your Life’: Post-Separation Violence in the Lives of Asian and African-Caribbean Women and Children. Edited by Yasmin Rehman, Liz Kelly and Hannana Siddiqui. Farnham: Ashgate Publishing Limited, pp. 113–26. [Google Scholar]
- Toor, Sunita. 2009. British Asian girls, crime and youth justice. Youth Justice 9: 239–53. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
- United Nations. 1948. Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Available online: http://www.ohchr.org/EN/UDHR/Documents/UDHR_Translations/eng.pdf (accessed on 25 August 2020).
- Walby, Sylvia. 1990. Theorizing Patriarchy. Oxford: Basil Blackwell. [Google Scholar]
- Wilson, Amrit. 2006. Dreams, Questions, Struggles: South Asian Women in Britain. London: Pluto Press. [Google Scholar]
- Yuval-Davis, Nira. 2011. The Politics of Belonging: Intersectional Contestations. London: Sage Publications Ltd. [Google Scholar]
- Zaidi, Arshia U., and Muhammad Shuraydi. 2002. Perceptions of arranged marriages by young Pakistani Muslim women living in a Western society. Journal of Comparative Family Studies 33: 495–514. [Google Scholar] [CrossRef]
1 | An anti-theist opposes the belief that a God exists. |
© 2020 by the authors. Licensee MDPI, Basel, Switzerland. This article is an open access article distributed under the terms and conditions of the Creative Commons Attribution (CC BY) license (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/).
Share and Cite
Sandhu, K.K.; Barrett, H.R. “Should I Stay, or Should I Go?”: The Experiences of, and Choices Available to Women of South Asian Heritage Living in the UK When Leaving a Relationship of Choice Following Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). Soc. Sci. 2020, 9, 151. https://doi.org/10.3390/socsci9090151
Sandhu KK, Barrett HR. “Should I Stay, or Should I Go?”: The Experiences of, and Choices Available to Women of South Asian Heritage Living in the UK When Leaving a Relationship of Choice Following Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). Social Sciences. 2020; 9(9):151. https://doi.org/10.3390/socsci9090151
Chicago/Turabian StyleSandhu, Kalwinder K., and Hazel R. Barrett. 2020. "“Should I Stay, or Should I Go?”: The Experiences of, and Choices Available to Women of South Asian Heritage Living in the UK When Leaving a Relationship of Choice Following Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)" Social Sciences 9, no. 9: 151. https://doi.org/10.3390/socsci9090151