Feelings, Realizations, and Reflections of a Female Physical Education Teacher Confronting Experiences of Institutional(ized) Gender Inequality: An Autoethnography

Abstract

This autoethnographic study intertwines personal experience with scholarly inquiry, inviting a deep exploration of the lived experiences and realities of a female physical education (PE) teacher. Wonderings about identities, conformity to masculine norms, and proving oneself to staff and students led to a review of relevant literature, journal entries, and meaningful conversations with critical friends. Through analysis and coding of emotions and reoccurring events, five themes emerged: male teaching partners and colleagues; student interactions; interactions with parents; administrative and peer support; and outside organizations. The results acknowledge the intricate interplay between self, society, PE environments, and culture. It is our hope that these reflections and realizations will connect with other women (and men) in the PE field and ignite further contemplation, conversation, and action. This, with the goal of contributing to necessary efforts to strive towards more inclusive and empowering experiences for female PE teachers.

1. Introduction

I am a female physical education (PE) teacher, shaped by a lineage of strong, resilient women. Growing up, I was taught to value independence and self-confidence. These values have greatly influenced my approach to teaching. Yet, as I continue to advance through my career, I feel I face struggles not faced by my male teaching partners. I have noticed, for example, that my students, mostly boys, have challenged and tried to steamroll me when participating in competitive games. I have been subjected to rude and dismissive comments and I have been accused of being unfair. I have had my authority and instructions challenged, and direct comparisons have been made to my male co-teachers. I have heard students explicitly stating their preference for my male colleague. At the same time, for years, I have observed that my male co-teachers have never received the same questioning or harsh feedback from our shared students. They were met with a sense of observed authority and respect, things I was frequently denied. I note here, too, that these personal observations and experiences are entirely anecdotal, subjective, and biased. That they may be questioned by others is fair. Still, they were and are real, to me.

With these experiences and observed disparities, I feel compelled to ask how our students, especially our male students, see competence and authority in those teaching PE. What societal norms and ingrained gender biases are shaping these interactions? And most importantly, what impact do these biases have on female PE teachers and their professional careers? I ask these questions as a PE teacher who has spent more than a decade teaching a variety of grades but mostly middle school (i.e., grades 5–8) boys and girls, in various schools. The experiences I list above have not been a one-time or one-place occurrence, for me.

I am not alone in this wondering. Webb and MacDonald (2007a) have recognized that there is an imbalance between the work of female and male PE teachers. For example, they have noted “the nature of sport and its cultivation of male dominance and superiority have particular implications for physical education and serve to exacerbate other factors contributing to the under-representation of women in leadership positions in this area” (Webb & MacDonald, 2007a, p. 494). Many female PE teachers, including me, are constantly battling gender stereotypes, balancing personal and professional identities, feeling the need to perform and/or prove themselves, questioning their own authority, and, as a result, leaving the gymnasium or “level[ing] down” to elementary schools (Kastrup & Kleindienst-Cachay, 2016; Scraton, 2018; Wrench & Garrett, 2017). Certainly, there exists a need to support and acknowledge the inequalities and power struggles within PE spaces (Scraton, 2018). If we are to create a truly inclusive and equitable learning environment, we must critically examine the ways in which gender expectations shape student, teacher, and collegial interactions. We must also ensure that female PE teachers receive the support and recognition they deserve—not only to thrive in their roles but also to inspire the next generation of students to challenge outdated notions of authority, competence, and gender in PE classes.

Where Do I (And We) Go from Here? Autoethnography as My Response

Once I began to unpack my own experiences and feelings, I came to the realization that I had been suppressing hurt feelings for years through a sort of internalized oppression. As Næss (2001) has eloquently explained it, I had spun a “silky cocoon” (p. 53) in order to protect myself so that I could suppress the injustices I faced and felt. I have recently found myself ready to step out of my cocoon, embrace my vulnerabilities, and move forward (Casey et al., 2018). I want to seek and speak my truth and reflect upon and share my experiences, attitudes, and perspectives. With my hopes and aims, I find myself contemplating some important questions. How are my identities interconnected within the classroom, yet misaligned? In what ways am I (and/or should I be) compromising myself to fit within traditional masculine norms (e.g., related to role behaviors at home, traits, [leadership-related] occupations, interpersonal interactions; (Kachel et al., 2016))? Do I feel pressure to perform and prove myself within my classroom? It is with these sorts of questions, alongside my intention to share, that I have connected with Oliver (1998), who has written, “as we come to better understand students’ and teachers’ stories, their interpretations of experiences, we may be able to better understand what we need or ought to do, and as teacher educators and researchers that is our moral obligation” (p. 247).

So, it is within this context that I have recently engaged in an autoethnographical exercise. Seeking a research-oriented “mechanism” by which to critically consider these sorts of adverse happenings, I found/chose autoethnography as a logical and meaningful methodology—as it allowed for a deeply personal and reflective exploration of my experiences, thoughts, and feelings as a female PE teacher navigating the climate and culture of PE (Chaney et al., 2019; Holman Jones et al., 2016). Autoethnography has provided a framework for me to connect my individual narrative to broader cultural and social contexts, enabling me to critically examine the ways systemic biases have shaped my professional journey (Kim & Lee, 2021). By intertwining personal life experiences with scholarly analysis, autoethnography offers a unique platform for self-reflection, vulnerability, and authenticity, which are essential for challenging dominant narratives and advocating for change (Casey et al., 2018; Holman Jones et al., 2016).

2. Relevant Literature

2.1. Gender Stereotypes Within PE

A substantial body of research literature supports the notion that PE is a space where gender(ed) stereotypes exist (Brown & Rich, 2002; Mooney & Gerdin, 2018; Preece & Bullingham, 2022; Webb & MacDonald, 2007a). Hegemonic and heteronormative cultures and pedagogies are prevalent in PE, and these perpetuate gender-related inequalities (Mooney & Gerdin, 2018). For example, teachers and students celebrate and reinforce typical and traditional masculine qualities in PE, such as speed, strength, competitiveness, aggression, and dominance. Whereas forms of stereotypical femininity, such as preferring aesthetic movement traditions, individual activities, and cooperation, are routinely discouraged in PE (Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012; Preece & Bullingham, 2022; Stride et al., 2022; Torhild Klomsten et al., 2005).

Gender norms are (re)produced by socialization, in school, at home, and in society (Sensoy & DiAngelo, 2017). Children can be taught (and/or can learn) that certain traits and characteristics are acceptable for their prescribed gender—such as girls wearing pink and boys wearing blue (Carter, 2014). By introducing and reinforcing gender norms within PE, many can feel excluded and unwelcome in class. As we progress to accepting, acknowledging, and fully including diverse students and teachers in our spaces, gender norms further alienate these populations (Lynch et al., 2023; Wrench & Garrett, 2017).

Although multiple studies have concluded there needs to be a disruption of gender norms and inequalities within PE, many pre-service teachers are still entering the field carrying problematic understandings about gender norms and expectations (Barber et al., 2023; Gråstén et al., 2022; Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012; Wrench & Garrett, 2017). Wrench and Garrett (2017), for example, conducted a study with pre-service PE teachers to understand their personal biographies and how they interpret gender within PE. Results indicated that pre-service teachers find it difficult to think outside of normalized notions about gender and they have difficulties understanding their personal and professional identities as interconnected yet compartmentalized. Additionally, Parker and Curtner-Smith (2012) researched pre-service teachers delivering sport education units, noticing examples of hegemonic masculinity that were present in the classroom. Sadly, not only was hegemonic masculinity present in the classroom, but pre-service teachers also deemed these behaviors and roles as natural—which contributes to (un)professional socialization (Brown & Rich, 2002; Motsa, 2018; Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012).

2.2. The Clash of Personal and Professional Identities

Female PE teachers are required, at times, to interconnect, suppress, or conceal their personal and professional identities (Rudoe, 2010; Sirna et al., 2010). For example, aspiring towards and adhering to the PE female stereotype—one which promotes athleticism—forces women to place themselves “outside the traditional notions of femininity” (Webb & MacDonald, 2007a, p. 494). Given that athleticism and femininity are portrayed as contradictory in contemporary popular culture (Krane, 2001; Webb & MacDonald, 2007a), female PE teachers are tasked with policing themselves, lest they appear “too masculine” to their peers and students. Similarly, female PE teachers have found themselves unable or unwilling to share their opposition to sexist language and/or practices within the PE context (Sirna et al., 2010). Identities can be a “constant negotiation of the social and cultural contexts of schools and wider society” (Mooney & Hickey, 2012, p. 199; as cited in Rossi et al., 2008). Furthermore, physical activity can act as a medium of domination that oppresses women into an entanglement of normalized practices (Markula, 2003). Some female PE teachers identify themselves as being nurturing or mother-like towards their students. Additionally, certain teachers who are mothers believe their experiences of being mother improve their teaching careers and relationships (Wrench & Garrett, 2017). Although identifying as being both sporty and nurturing can be seen as progressive, research indicates that strong gendered assumptions persist, where athleticism is still closely associated with masculinity, while narratives of motherhood and nurturing are used to reinforce traditional notions of femininity (Scraton, 2018).

Women in PE have described their experiences as “tirelessly walking a tightrope between gender standards and various membership groups” (Ottogalli-Mazzacavallo & Szerdahelyi, 2018, p. 607). Along with female PE teachers providing gender dualistic characteristics within the classroom, they ascribe to parental pressures more than their male colleagues (Preece & Bullingham, 2022). This pressure not only prohibits female PE teachers from truly expressing themselves within their professional lives, but it also emphasizes the gender normative and Western idea of traditional femineity (Scraton, 2018).

Furthermore, the age of female PE teachers appears to hold space for judgments about capability and/or competence in the role. As PE teachers’ efficacy can be (unfairly) based on physical ability and appearance, the relationship between age and career efficacy can be significant (George & Curtner-Smith, 2018; Webb & MacDonald, 2007b). Webb (2001) interviewed a female PE teacher who thought she was too old to teach PE at 40 years of age as she felt students noticed her aging and viewed it as a negative trait. Aligning with a previous study, Webb and MacDonald (2007b) found evidence that women thought men were more accepted by students as aging teachers, whereas aging female teachers were regarded as incompetent. This can result in an early exit of female PE teachers (Webb & MacDonald, 2007b).

Alongside the societal pressure on aging women, physical appearance is also regarded as related to teachers’ efficacy (McKown et al., 2019; Mooney & Hickey, 2012). The pressure of appearance weighs heavily on both female and male PE teachers (Chen & Myers, 2024; Gold et al., 2012; González-Calvo et al., 2022), but society places more emphasis on women’s appearance, aging, and appropriate way of being (Webb & MacDonald, 2007a). While both women and men may face societal and school system-related pressures related to age and ageism, Webb and MacDonald (2007a) have pointed out that “getting older and the physical consequences of aging are of greater significance to female physical education teachers than they are to other teachers” (p. 495; also see Evans & Williams, 1989; Pennington, 2021; Sikes, 1988). And while in some respects male PE teachers are impacted by aging, Sikes (1988) has explained that women, in particular, do not enjoy the label or image of being an aging PE teacher. Krane (2001) added to this, explaining that “females continue policing themselves, emphasizing the importance of balancing the perceptions of masculine athleticism with feminine appearance” (p. 116). The constant pressure and feelings of judgment can be demoralizing, leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.

2.3. Feelings of Having to Perform and/or Prove Oneself

Female PE teachers can carry sentiments of having to prove themselves to students and staff. With respect to leadership within PE, the majority of the roles have men serving in them (Webb & MacDonald, 2007b). Through semi-structured interviews, Mooney and Hickey (2012) found that women in leadership roles had to prove their leadership abilities to staff and students while battling sexist norms, such as the expectation to receive and handle inappropriate comments from male staff and students. This led to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction for many women in leadership roles (Mooney & Hickey, 2012). Moreover, women who lead departments can also feel as though they are negotiating tensions between staff and students. Noncompliant behaviors, testing actions, and degrading and inappropriate actions and words were received from male staff and students (Mooney & Gerdin, 2018; Mooney & Hickey, 2012).

Women must also navigate underlying norms and networking practices predominantly run by men. Attempts to function within the “boys’ club” can lead to exclusion and missed opportunities by women (Snell, 2023; Webb & MacDonald, 2007b; Wallin & Newton, 2014). The constant struggle and disjointed feelings and expectations can result in women not applying for or leaving leadership roles. Mournfully, the underrepresentation of women in these roles continues within educational systems (Evans & Pfister, 2020). Webb and MacDonald (2007a) argued that “increasing female representation in leadership is not only a question of equity but also an issue of the quality of education” (p. 507).

Many female PE teachers also perceive students to challenge their skills and abilities more than they do their male PE teachers. Some teachers unconsciously participate in hegemonic masculine attitudes and practices and demonstrate their physicality to prove their capabilities to their male students and to form relationships (Mooney & Hickey, 2012; Wrench & Garrett, 2017). For example, in Wrench and Garrett’s (2017) study, a female participant recalled, “like it was a chick, but they saw I could kick a football and responded much better in class (Nellie)” (p. 328). The need to prove yourself in a PE position simply based on gender is troublesome and problematic.

2.4. Perceived Authority

As female PE teachers navigate gender stereotypes and balance identities, the question of how students perceive and respect authority in the classroom is an important one. Numerous studies have been conducted asking students about their feelings towards the subject, the qualities of their teachers, and the amount of feedback provided by teachers (Nicaise et al., 2007; Zalech, 2011). Results indicate that PE teachers provide more feedback and interactions with male students (Nicaise et al., 2007). Research also suggests that male students are more dominant, controlling, and vocal in PE classes (Mooney & Gerdin, 2018; Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012).

Male students can exhibit signs of dominance towards teachers and classmates within PE. Parker and Curtner-Smith (2012) found signs of dominance within a sports education unit in middle school PE classes. Male students would claim greater playing time, more favorable positions, and seize leadership roles even if designated to female students by their teacher (Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012). Additionally, studies have reported male students displaying dominance over other male students within the classroom who are viewed as weaker (Mooney & Gerdin, 2018; Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012).

Students, especially male ones, can also challenge the authority and skill of female PE teachers (Berg & Lahelma, 2010; Hills & Croston, 2012). Various studies have provided examples of unpleasant and degrading exchanges between female PE teachers and male students (Brown & Rich, 2002; Kastrup & Kleindienst-Cachay, 2016; Mooney & Gerdin, 2018; Mooney & Hickey, 2012; Webb & MacDonald, 2007b; Wrench & Garrett, 2017). Behavior management can be a struggle for some female PE teachers. For example, Derry and Phillips (2004) found that female teachers spent 33% more time on behavior management in co-educational PE classes compared with an all-girls class.

Research has shown that male students are more likely to provide unfiltered and unwanted opinions towards class units and activities. Groans, lack of enthusiasm, and attempts to change or derail the lesson are experienced by female PE teachers (Mooney & Gerdin, 2018). Additionally, Brown and Rich (2002) interviewed PE teachers where a lack of respect from male students was experienced. Christie, a participant in their study, shared the following:

This was core PE that was mixed, and this was just they had no experience of having been taught by a woman since Year 7 until they got to Year 10 and suddenly they had a female there and they had no respect for, I don’t know whether they had no respect for women or whether it was women sports people, whether it was because I was female teacher or whether it was because I was a sporting female, but they had very little respect for me even though I probably could sort of, you know, in terms of skill-wise been a lot better than any of them (Brown & Rich, 2002, p. 91).

Female PE teachers have found that male colleagues do not have to work for creditability among students, as their presence is enough (Mooney & Hickey, 2012; Wrench & Garrett, 2017). This indicates that authority is granted to male teachers whereas female teachers are not given the same consideration or courtesy. Additionally, some male teachers have felt that male students benefit from having a male PE teacher as it provides an effective role model and allows students to identify and relate with the teacher (Berg & Lahelma, 2010). When a male teacher is not present, the male students feel no authoritative figure is in the classroom (Berg & Lahelma, 2010).

Women in leadership positions discussed their trials and tribulations in proving they were qualified and capable within their respective roles. Women explained that it was male colleagues who refused to comply with requests and, at times, harassed them (Mooney & Hickey, 2012; Webb & MacDonald, 2007b; Webb & MacDonald, 2007a). It is disappointing, yet salient, to note that women allowed male colleagues to openly harass and degrade them in front of staff, brushing it off as humor or teasing (Mooney & Hickey, 2012; Rossi et al., 2008). Sadly, when women attempted to stop the comments, it went unnoticed by men. Additionally, Wrench and Garrett (2017) interviewed a male pre-service PE teacher who disclosed that his female mentor teacher experienced a lack of respect within her role but thought she was trying too hard to gain respect and control of her classes. These examples acknowledge a power imbalance between men and women within PE and leadership.

3. Research Methodology and Methods

3.1. Autoethnography

Autoethnography is a qualitative research methodology that uses “personal experiences to [analyze and] illustrate facets of cultural experiences” (Kim & Lee, 2021, p. 4). Autoethnography, as a research methodology, is both a process and a product (Ellis et al., 2011; Holman Jones et al., 2016). And, importantly, autoethnography is also self-focused (Casey et al., 2018; Ellis et al., 2011; Ngunjiri et al., 2010).

As a female PE teacher immersed in the climate and culture of PE, I was open to sharing my stories, attitudes, perspectives, and experiences. Ellis et al. (2011) have explained, “when researchers do autoethnography, they retrospectively and selectively write about epiphanies that stem from, or are made possible by, being part of a culture and/or by possessing a particular cultural identity” (p. 276). Once I began journaling, I noticed that many of my entries reflected instances in my career where I felt these experiences had a great impact on me, as a teacher and person. Other entries were surprising to me as I do not think I placed great emphasis on them at the time, but all recollections considered alongside one another effected a general feeling or theme. Writing was personal and therapeutic in that I aimed to better understand and improve upon myself while voicing the burdens that I carried (Ellis et al., 2011). As writing was in personal form, it was important to locate scholarly literature that would strengthen my analysis and creditability (Ellis et al., 2011).

Once resonant and salient themes within the literature were first identified and considered (i.e., gender stereotypes within PE, clash of personal and professional identities, feelings of having to perform and/or prove oneself, and perceived authority), I found myself relating and recalling memories and experiences throughout my professional career linking personal to cultural. This connection of personal to cultural highlights autoethnography as a context-conscious method (Ngunjiri et al., 2010). Moreover, as my experiences entailed gender stereotypes, sexism, and identities, the platform of autoethnography seemed especially appropriate (Casey et al., 2018). Certainly, the four characteristics of autoethnography were evident in the process I understood, namely the ability to comment and critique a certain culture, adding to and creating new paths (of feminism within PE), embracing and reflecting upon (my) personal vulnerabilities, and, hopefully, resonating with others (namely female PE teachers; Holman Jones et al., 2016).

It is noted that people who engage in autoethnographic studies implicate themselves with their work and relationships (Ellis et al., 2011). Serious care and consideration were given to the content of this study while maintaining integrity and dignity for all parties.

3.2. Data Collection

When collecting and reciting information and memories, a variety of methods were utilized. Journal entries which included stories and critical incidents were collected and recorded for six months (January–June, 2024) on a safe digital platform where I openly disclosed feelings, perceptions, and experiences. Journal entries entailed experiences from the beginning of my teaching career to the present time (approximately 10 years). All teaching experiences took place in Canada but within two provinces. The students referred to in journal entries were mostly in middle school, but my career expands from K–12. The use of journaling was a powerful tool in that it provided insights to awaken or disturb norms that I practiced unknowingly or without conscious awareness (Casey et al., 2018; Sparkes, 1997). I hoped that my memories and entries would evoke empathetic feelings and connections as readers were provided insider, authentic, and vulnerable information (Carless, 2012; Casey et al., 2018). Furthermore, responses and questions were gathered from critical friends throughout the analysis process where meaningful and insightful conversations took place.

3.3. Critical Friends

To ensure trustworthiness and address some biases, two critical friends worked alongside me as I undertook this autoethnography exercise. The first critical friend was a 48-year-old female high school teacher with 16 years of teaching experience. She read all my entries and provided support, asked questions, helped to maintain integrity, and added critiques—all of which strengthened my analysis (Appleton, 2011). The other (AUTHOR2), a 50-year-old male PE professor/researcher mentored and worked alongside me throughout the entire autoethnography exercise, providing initial and ongoing methodological guidance, feedback, and reviewing, critiquing, commenting upon, and revising this manuscript.

3.4. Teaching Context(s)

As outlined, this study reflects on my experiences, emotions, and perceptions throughout my teaching career, which spans approximately 10 years. I was raised in a small city in Atlantic Canada and began my teaching career as a substitute teacher in an urban center in 2014. Seeking more permanent employment, I transitioned to rural communities before relocating to a different province in 2017, where I settled in a more urban setting. Within this urban area, I have worked in a variety of schools, each serving diverse demographic and socioeconomic populations. While I initially taught PE independently, since 2017 I have primarily co-taught, with most of my teaching partnerships having male colleagues. Many of the schools where I have worked have had female and male administrators.

3.5. Biases

In maintaining and producing ethical work, it is necessary to acknowledge and reveal possible biases that exist within a study (Appleton, 2011). Emotions, experiences, and perceptions are communicated here through a feminist lens. As stories and entries were told from a personal point of view, I felt they were true and just. This provides a source of potential bias. The use of critical friends helped challenge views and interpretations and maintain integrity and accountability (Appleton, 2011).

3.6. Limitations

As this practical project was an autoethnographic study with myself, I limited the number of experiences, perceptions, emotions, and attitudes expressed by other female PE teachers. Furthermore, this study mostly highlights challenges and injustices experienced throughout my career thus far; however, it is pertinent to add that there have been plenty of positive and rewarding moments. Finally, extra caution was taken to maintain the anonymity and dignity of people involved in this study using pseudonyms and not disclosing the location or time of events (Moriña, 2020).

3.7. Data Analysis

Through two methods of data collection (journal entries and the use of critical friends), themes, key ideas, and categories emerged. When reviewing journal entries and interacting with a critical friend, I engaged in emotional and initial or open coding (Saldaña, 2016). Emotional coding highlights emotions that were experienced related to the research topic (Saldaña, 2016). Critical incidents that evoked strong emotions from myself were categorized by emotional coding. Although some incidents were challenging to disclose, I was reminded to “honor my own voice” (Cooper & Lilyea, 2022, p. 202). Initial coding helps break down data into sections noting their commonalities and differences (Saldaña, 2016). This coding was utilized when common themes emerged from memories and incidents that were recorded in my journal. From these incidents and stories, I began to make meaning and see commonalities within my experiences. The addition of critical friends helped challenge views and feelings and provided support and validation (Appleton, 2011).

4. Results and Discussion

Once data were analyzed, five themes emerged. Each theme is listed and explained in detail below, with accompanying relevant correspondence within journal entries, insights from critical friends, and responses to those critical friend-provided insights. The five themes are as follows: male teaching partners and colleagues; student interactions; interactions with parents; administrative and peer support; and outside organizations.

4.1. Male Teaching Partners and Colleagues

Although the relationships between PE teachers, pre-service teachers, mentors, administrators, and colleagues have been documented (Robinson & Walters, 2016; Webb & MacDonald, 2007a), there is limited research looking into the teaching relationship of teaching partners within PE. Simonton et al. (2022) found that most PE teachers valued teaching with a partner but when teachers experienced goal misalignment, it elicited negative emotions and tested their sense of control and coping within their profession. Through journaling and a recollection of critical incidents, I have retrospectively identified some key moments related to experiences with male teaching partners. These are key moments that impacted me as a professional and person. I discovered that many challenging teaching occurrences (e.g., poor communication and misalignment of goals) took place when I was co-teaching with a man. Consider, for example, the following journal entry:

Jack and I co-taught numerous PE classes together. When the other female PE teacher was present, I would get some teaching time after seeing how they ran classes as it was my first year teaching at this school, and I was the junior teacher. [Jack and the other PE teacher were established at the school. Both had been teaching partners for over 10 years and had their routines and expectations settled.] Jack and I shared a section of PE. During this time, Jack would never collaborate with me nor allow me to lead a lesson. He would teach each class as a solo teacher and regard me as someone who was there for support. The students asked me why I never taught, and it made me feel unequal and inadequate. I offered many times to lead a lesson as I felt ready, but Jack always seemed to take complete control.

(Journal Entry #2, 2024)

This recollection affected me and influenced my feelings of efficacy as a PE teacher. I know it was my first year but, still, teaching with Jack was particularly difficult as I struggled knowing if I was being treated as a pre-service teacher because I was new and young. Or perhaps he genuinely thought I was incompetent. I did not like either possibility and I felt apprehensive when teaching classes with him. I kept waiting for our relationship to improve and for him to gain confidence in me, but it never happened. Neither Jack nor the other PE teacher were officially assigned to me as a mentor. As there was a lack of communication with Jack, I never viewed him as my mentor; the other PE teacher and I never shared sections together, so a potential mentoring relationship did not fully blossom there either. Also, I believe I had come into this situation with an “open mind” but, at the same time, I also recognize that I may have arrived there with views and (pre)conceptions gleaned from my previous experiences.

To these observations, my critical friend asked, “Did you ever have a conversation with Jack?” (Critical Friend Response #2, 2024). In response, I had no real time to speak with Jack. I taught at an extremely busy school where lunch was separated into three sections. Therefore, when it was my lunch break the other PE teachers were teaching. I also had a full teaching schedule with minimal preparation time so there was no real time to chat or collaborate. As a more confident and seasoned teacher and woman today, I would have asked Jack if we could have a conversation and discuss my feelings and viewpoints.

Additionally, I recognize that with the lack of communication, different teaching philosophies and styles further plagued other teaching relationships. The following journal entry highlights this:

I took a job with a fellow PE teacher who was relatively new to teaching. I was excited to get a fresh perspective and create a new PE program for our school. However, our relationship became very isolating due to the fact that for the first two years our preps did not align, and we were still in COVID-19 times, so we isolated from each other during lunch. As we emerged from restrictions, our relationship regretfully did not improve. We were awarded a small block of 30 min PLC [professional learning community] time every two weeks, but I always requested to collaborate and if I said nothing, he stayed in his office. [I tried numerous times to offer support, resources, and a collegial relationship but it became evident that my colleague was not interested.] Unit planning became quick Sunday evening texts and communication felt burdensome. I am unsure why our relationship was strained but have wondered about this [Was it partly because I had more experience and a greater sense of myself as a PE teacher?].

(Journal Entry #3, 2024)

This was at a different school where I taught with another male teaching partner, and hindered communication resulted in feelings of deflation and disappointment. Entering my fifth year of a tense teaching partnership began to wear on me and I found myself not enjoying my job. I felt competent and confident in my teaching methods, student relationships, and expectations but began to withdraw myself from attempting to form a healthy working relationship with my teaching partner. To this, some might ask or wonder why I did not do anything about this—like, communicate with colleagues and/or seek support from a mentor or school administrator. Most simply, I did not want to make such efforts, lest I be castigated as a gossip or complainer. Why risk this when I was already “down”?

To these views, my critical friend asked, “When co-teaching, are you open to others’ ideas and teaching philosophies? Are you okay with change and allowing others to take the lead?” (Critical Friend Response #3, 2024). I appreciated the insight my critical friend provided here. I am fascinated with teaching philosophies and asked my teaching partner about theirs. Consequently, we did have different philosophies. In addition, I believe that I am okay with others leading when clear communication, expectations, and teaching times are equal. However, I struggled with the unequal teaching time and the fact that the majority of my assigned classes were shared at some point in our schedule—except for two—which resulted in roughly four hours of solo teaching time for me weekly (whereas the other PE teacher taught most of his classes as a solo teacher). This caused me to feel as though I lost a portion of my teaching identity, and I resented the lack of PE teaching time which may have been unfair to my teaching partner as this was out of his control.

Traditionally, students have regarded effective male teachers as those who are “fun but in control” (Hopper & Sanford, 2006, p. 10). Conversely, female teachers are oftentimes regarded as unprepared and/or lacking (and seeking) control, by their peers and by their students (Hopper & Sanford, 2006; Wrench & Garrett, 2017). Male colleagues have inserted themselves into my classroom to display signs of dominance and control when it was uninvited. Was this to show signs of control to me or the students? From another entry:

I can recall a time when I was asked to cover a PE class for a colleague who was out sick. However, when I entered the gymnasium, another teacher was there. Despite the fact that this teacher was supposed to be teaching his respective class, he felt it necessary to start the class for me. I questioned him if it was necessary for me to be there as it appeared he wanted to teach the lesson. He responded “Yes, I am getting you started as I know the plan.” The students then questioned him asking why he was teaching if he had another class. [I further stated I was assigned to teach this class and could follow the plan, but he was persistent in teaching the introductory game.] I interpreted this interaction as a sense of control this teacher felt he needed to express. Although I am the PE teacher, he felt entitled to teach a lesson I was assigned to teach. [As the year(s) progressed, I engaged in more critical and self-advocating conversations with colleagues. Although, at times, uncomfortable, it was necessary to have these conversations which ultimately improved collegial relationships].

(Journal Entry #7, 2024)

Feelings of inadequacy, unequal teaching time, loss of control, and communication have challenged my self-efficacy as a PE teacher. Another factor that weighs heavily on my self-confidence as a PE teacher is my different interactions with students as opposed to my male teaching partners.

4.2. Student Interactions

Male students exhibit more dominant and controlling behaviors along with being more vocal in PE class (Mooney & Gerdin, 2018; Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012). I have heard and received numerous inappropriate comments and sexualized behaviors from male students throughout my teaching career. References to male genitals and using those references as a form of power have distressingly been used in my classes a handful of times over the years. Consider the following:

I taught a group of junior high boys who were completely disrespectful to me as their PE teacher. They never listened to instructions nor expectations, made gestures towards their penises and told each other to suck their “dicks” overtly and loudly during gameplay. Despite me, administration, my male co-teacher, and parents having conversations with these students their behavior did not improve. It was degrading and frustrating teaching this group of students.

(Journal Entry #11, 2024)

I dreaded teaching this class and felt bad for my other students as a lot of my attention and efforts went into disciplining this group of boys. Despite numerous attempts of parental contact, their behavior remained the same. Furthermore, I had parents defending their children’s behavior and telling me that I was mistaken in what I was experiencing or interpreting.

To this, my critical friend asked, “Were other female teachers experiencing these issues with these students? If so, how was it being handled? There is no reason any teacher should be forced to put up with this treatment from their students” (Critical Friend Response #11, 2024). In response, I believe PE is unique and different from the classroom. For example, the space is different, safety considerations are more obvious and pressing, students cannot easily be separated as they are in a classroom with assigned seating, and students’ performance is always on full display. I did speak to other teachers who said they always purposely separated these boys as a solution.

Moreover, I have been the receiver of more hostile and rude comments made by students than I witness my male teaching partners receiving, as the following excerpt details:

During gameplay in junior high classes [in an urban center] I noticed that students would question me more when making calls. Additionally, they would say that I did not understand the game and ask me if I was blind. However, when my male teaching partner ran the games, the students were much more respectful and accepting of his calls. I also have had students approach me and shamelessly say they prefer when my teaching partner runs the games as they feel he does a better job, and the games are more fun. [These remarks were made by male students with whom I had spoken to numerous times about behavior and fair play. Although I felt just in addressing the issues, it was still hurtful to hear those comments].

(Journal Entry #4, 2024)

To this, my critical friend asked, “Did your teaching partner provide any support in this situation? Model supportive behavior? Correct the students? Did you ask the teacher to support you as this was impacting you and your teaching experience in the gym?” (Critical Friend Response #4, 2024). My teaching partner did not regularly support me in these incidents. However, I do have a strong personality and show confidence in my classes. Perhaps my teaching partner did not feel the need to provide support? Truthfully, I also never asked for support.

During these times, it was extremely important that I remained confident in my abilities. I practiced a lot of positive self-talk and worked on building relationships with students. For example, I greeted students entering the building each morning, was heavily involved in extra-curricular activities, and worked hard to create opportunities for students (e.g., by bringing in outside organizations to our classes). As relationships grew, students began to accept more of what I said. However, I felt as though I had to put more effort into forming these relationships and gaining respect as it was not automatically granted as my male colleague had the benefit of receiving. I have also received more outward verbal attacks within the classroom than my male colleague (e.g., “Wow! Did that student really just yell at me to go f**k myself!? I understand that he is upset and possibly hurt but this is unacceptable!” [Journal Entry #5, 2024]). This interaction happened after a group of boys, who were friends, took things too far in class. As I was attempting to break up the boys, one turned and yelled that at me. I was caught off guard as this was my second consecutive year teaching this student in multiple subjects. There was another female guest teacher in the gymnasium who just stared with her mouth open in disbelief as the events transpired. The student ended up getting suspended, but no reconciliation conversation took place (although the original administrative response suggested that one would), and the administration did not check in to see if I was alright. They simply apologized that the incident happened. When the student returned, he ignored me for the rest of the term and acted as if nothing happened. Unfortunately, our relationship never progressed from this incident. I felt I was owed an apology, and the mother communicated that she hoped her son would choose to apologize, but he never did. Outside of class, student interactions can also be hostile and unequal. My critical friend recognized this too, sharing the following:

This has also happened to me many times and sadly not addressed properly. I have developed a thick skin over the years, and I try to focus on the positive moments in the classroom and I share my frustrations with fellow teachers to gain perspective and I soon realize we are not alone in this. These outbursts are very common unfortunately.

(Critical Friend Response #5, 2024)

Furthermore, when in leadership roles, women have experienced pushback and blatant disregard for their authority (Webb & MacDonald, 2007a). As a coach, I have experienced impolite and unacceptable behaviors from students when they thought our administrator or male teaching staff was not present:

As a school, we introduced a rule that spectators require parental supervision when attending games. I have experienced students completely disregard my authority when I ask them to leave without supervision. I have been harassed, ignored, and recall one student clapping in my face when a stranger agreed to be their supervisor. Usually, I resorted to getting a male colleague or administration to come into the gymnasium and ask the students to leave. Once a male staff member is present, the students comply.

(Journal Entry #8, 2024)

It felt degrading, yet necessary, to go get support in these situations. I was the first female staff member who attempted to enforce this new rule. As someone who has a reputation with colleagues for being consistent, I could not believe students would continue to try and steamroll me and be completely defiant when they thought male colleagues and administration were not present.

Furthermore, I feel as though my skills are questioned, disregarded, and underrated by some students:

I have played volleyball for 22 years and coached for seven years at school and club level. When I was away sick my male colleague looked up how to serve a volleyball. When I returned and attempted to teach a variation of the skill, students said that the other PE teacher taught them a different way and they believed his technique was the correct and only way, and I was wrong in my teaching.

(Journal Entry #6, 2024)

Perhaps my enacted pedagogical approaches were different—I just do not know if they were actually “lesser” than what my male colleagues enacted. I would like to think not.

In response, my critical friend asked, “Did you ever get the feeling your co-teacher was threatened by your expertise?” (Critical Friend Response #6, 2024). I do feel that my teaching partner was threatened by my expertise and experience, at times. From my experiences, PE classes are still held to the standard of stereotypically valuing male characteristics such as dominance and power (Parker & Curtner-Smith, 2012; Preece & Bullingham, 2022). Sometimes, I wonder how my male teaching partner navigated teaching with a senior female teacher and if these stereotypes made him feel emasculated. I simply navigated this situation by letting students know there were different techniques when serving.

Again, the disbelief and challenge of my skillset over my male teaching partner was evident. Furthermore, students are more critical and harsher when it comes to the skills of women:

I remember when the basketball unit rolled around, I was feeling intimidated. We had already co-taught a unit which I specialized in, and my students assumed that my skill set was lower than my colleague’s. Now we were teaching a unit where I felt my skills were average but his were exceptional. I remember my male teaching partner missing a basketball shot and sharing it was embarrassing for him, yet our students respectfully did not make a sound. However, when I went to demonstrate a lay-up, I missed which resulted in snickers and muffled laughs from the same group of students. I felt completely disadvantaged as our students had already assumed my teaching partner had greater physical abilities than I did as this was the same group of students who challenged my teachings in volleyball when they varied from my male teaching partner, even though I communicated that I played volleyball and coached at school and club levels.

(Journal Entry #11, 2024)

As stated in the literature review, many women feel pressure to perform and prove themselves daily as PE teachers (Kastrup & Kleindienst-Cachay, 2016; Scraton, 2018; Wrench & Garrett, 2017). I began wondering if anyone else in the class or our school noticed this imbalance. Additionally, parents have questioned my skills, teaching, and life choices.

4.3. Interactions with Parents

Many parents have different and/or lower expectations for their child’s performance in or the importance of their PE class (George & Curtner-Smith, 2017). Interestingly, in a study by George and Curtner-Smith (2017), mothers appeared to be more critical of their child’s PE classes and the teachers teaching PE. Furthermore, teachers are likely to be branded as good or bad based on physical appearance and the characteristics of their personality (George & Curtner-Smith, 2017; Webb & MacDonald, 2007b). Female PE teachers can find themselves in an especially difficult position as they try to balance gender standards and ascribe to parental pressures more than male colleagues (Ottogalli-Mazzacavallo & Szerdahelyi, 2018; Preece & Bullingham, 2022). I have had uncomfortable and unpleasant interactions where parents have questioned my efficacy as a teacher based on my parental choices:

I called a parent regarding an incident that happened with their child. The conversation started with the parent asking me if I was a mother. I knew that this was headed in a hurtful and unproductive direction. However, I truthfully replied that I was not a mother. The parent zoned in explaining there was a reason I was not a mother because I did not know how to treat their child or any children. The incident entailed her child failing to follow his class, running out the back of the gymnasium door, and hiding on the playground. I did not notice this event as I was focused on my next class. I wonder if my teaching partner was in the same position would the parent have asked him about his parental skills. Or is it because I am female and supposed to be nurturing whereas male teachers do not have this same expectation placed upon them?

(Journal Entry #1, 2023)

This expectation for female teachers to be nurturing is highlighted in the literature (e.g., see McGrath & Sinclair, 2013; Skelton, 2012). And this incident had a profound effect on me as a teacher and person. The fact that another person would target my parental choices and relate them to my efficacy as a teacher was very burdensome. I felt personally attacked. This situation left me feeling defeated, hurt, and disappointed.

In response, my critical friend shared and asked, “You maintained your composure, which is good. Have you considered being more assertive with parents if this happens again? List your credentials and experience, maybe?” (Critical Friend Response #1, 2024). These questions and comments helped relieve some of the negative and guilty feelings I was carrying. I did feel heavy about the situation. The comments provided by my critical friend helped reassure me that I was professional and resilient in this experience.

Like students, I feel parents have also assumed that my skillset is lower than my male co-teachers. Consider the following:

I volunteered to coach a session with a volleyball club. Another PE teacher at my school was also asked to coach a session. This teacher had no experience as a volleyball player nor coach whereas I have plenty. However, at practice, the organizing parent approached me during a water break and suggested I do the drills the male PE teacher did the previous weekend with players. I asked what drills those were and learned they were my older drills and games that I introduced during our volleyball unit in previous years. I felt offended that the parent felt my male colleague was more qualified than I was in my specialized sport.

(Journal Entry #14, 2024)

Although I felt offended that the parent suggested I do as my male colleague did, it also felt like a silent compliment (i.e., my material was being used, and the teacher took notes on what I was doing when teaching). The toll of parents and students questioning my skills and assuming they were less than male teachers’ was going to have to be endured if I stayed in this profession.

4.4. Administrative and Peer Support

It is not uncommon for some PE teachers to feel as though the administration provides little support, value, and/or resources to their school’s PE program (George & Curtner-Smith, 2017). Furthermore, Whipp and Salin (2018) found that male PE teachers perceived a higher level of respect within their professional community (i.e., by their colleagues) than female PE teachers. As a female PE teacher, I felt that I was shorthanded PE teaching time over male PE teachers. Consider the following example:

Early in my teaching career, I went to a [rural] school where I accepted a job with multiple courses and teaching responsibilities. I taught five separate subjects and some at varying grade levels. Although my teaching assignment consisted of only one class of PE, I felt grateful to have a job. Yet, when I arrived on our first day, I learned that the 100% PE position was awarded to a male teacher in the school without any PE training but coaching experience at high levels. Although permanent, his previous assignment was made redundant. So that he wasn’t relocated, the principal gave him the 100% PE position and I, who was PE trained, was offered the position with multiple pieces and minimal PE.

(Journal Entry #10, 2024)

I felt very conflicted during this year of teaching. As stated in the journal entry, I was grateful to have a teaching position. However, I was envious that I did not have the PE position and upset that the person who did was awarded it based on his coaching ability. As I progressed in my career, I encountered more instances of unequal PE classes when compared with male colleagues. As I wrote the following:

When searching for a vacant position, I accepted a 50% Core French and 50% PE assignment. I learned that this was an older assignment of the other female PE teacher before advancing into a 100% PE position. However, our male colleague was always 100% PE. Furthermore, each year I was at this school my PE assignment kept decreasing and my Core French kept increasing even though I was gaining seniority within the school. For example, administrators created a job at the end of September so they could hire a preferred teacher who did not secure a term position. This resulted in the administration team deciding to take away a portion of my PE classes, as the newly hired teacher was also PE trained, and increasing my Core French assignment to appease the new teacher.

(Journal Entry #12, 2024)

I remember being genuinely and visibly upset when the administration approached me to let me know that I was losing PE classes. I naively thought that as I was gaining seniority within the school, and as a permanent employee, I would be considered for more PE classes. This incident further confirmed that I have been overlooked for PE positions since beginning my career. Additionally, consider the following:

At another school, a male teacher with much less seniority was given the majority of PE classes. At the end of the year, I offered to take on more PE classes so our assignment would be more equal in teaching PE. My administrator thanked me for the offer, however nothing changed. The next year, I overtly asked our vice-principal why I was assigned a lesser amount of PE classes when I had more experience and was furthering my education in PE. I voiced that I did not enjoy my current assignment and would like more PE classes. However, my request was ignored, and an answer was not provided. [I could tell my vice-principal felt uncomfortable during our conversation and suggested I speak to our principal and put in another request when assignments would be confirmed next spring].

(Journal Entry #13, 2024)

To these observations, my critical friend shared and asked the following:

I have also been overlooked for jobs and placed in assignments that did not reflect my teachable areas and experience. Generally, I am told it is for the students or due to schedule changes. Unfortunately, I have not found a solution aside from just accepting the position or taking another job off the list. Have other female PE teachers experienced the same things? Have any of your male PE teacher friends experienced this? Do you have a department head? What did they think of this situation? Did they offer any solutions? Grievance?

(Critical Friend Response #13, 2024)

All these incidents and recollections made me feel as though I was not as valued by administrators as my male colleagues. Despite my continuation and commitment to education, professional development, coaching, volunteering within the school, and gaining experience, male PE teachers achieved a higher percentage of PE than I did. I heard positive feedback from administrators such as “holistic educator, artisan teacher, team player, and selfless” but this does not excuse the fact that I did not achieve the highest percentage of PE. Feelings of being overshadowed, hopelessness, and burnout began to set in.

4.5. Outside Organizations

As previously stated, there appears to be an imbalance in the work field between female and male PE teachers (Webb & MacDonald, 2007a). I have noticed that many outside organizations will automatically reach out to male colleagues with PE opportunities, regardless of the fact that my contact information is listed first in our staff directory. In addition, I have experienced being excluded from conversations as male staff members of organizations chose to respond to another male colleague rather than myself when emailing an inquiry. Consider the following, my final journal entry:

Why would the coordinator feel entitled to respond and discuss my email to our athletic director before contacting me? Yes, I cc’ed the director on the email as a courtesy but the fact that the coordinator responded to the athletic director first makes me feel offended. This is my proposal and issue not the director’s. I know they are friends outside of work. Is this keeping it within the boys’ club? Why am I usually second to know or be asked about things? That’s it! I am responding and letting him know that I would appreciate a response or conversation as it is my idea and not the director’s!

(Journal Entry #15, 2024)

To this, my critical friend shared, “Friendships outside of work 100% influence decisions made in the schools I have worked in as well” (Critical Friend Response #15, 2024). As I continued teaching in a middle school setting, with many men in leadership roles, I felt myself attaining a heightened sensitivity to gender inequalities and differences. Even little things like getting left out of emails made me cringe. I questioned if these were feelings of burnout. Was it time to move on or try something different for my own professional identity and well-being, I asked myself and my critical friend. To this, she replied with the following:

Yes, it could be. I would say the current climate of our schools and everything we face daily is contributing to this feeling. The feelings you have are valid and I do believe men and women are treated differently and unfairly. Men have a privilege they do not even or won’t recognize. The only thing I can say is there are many nuances at play here that may contribute to your feelings and these situations.

(Critical Friend Response #16, 2024)

5. Conclusions

5.1. Final Reflections

Through the process of autoethnography, many feelings, realizations, and reflections were actualized. The themes highlighted in the literature review found their way into my interpretations of my experiences (i.e., the “results”). Although certain aspects of PE have adapted and improved, space unfortunately still exists for continued gender stereotypes and inequalities (Brown & Rich, 2002; Mooney & Gerdin, 2018; Preece & Bullingham, 2022; Webb & MacDonald, 2007a).

Although I was forewarned that immersing myself in autoethnography could awaken feelings of vulnerability, hurt, pain, and anger (Casey et al., 2018; Cooper & Lilyea, 2022; Holman Jones et al., 2016), I was not expecting these feelings to hit me as deeply as they did throughout the process. Altogether, tense teaching partnerships, energy spent proving myself to students and colleagues, and unequal PE teaching responsibilities despite my accruing seniority and advanced education resulted in me feeling dissatisfied and depleted in my position. I spent a lot of time reflecting on my practices and my collegial relationships, as I am a firm believer in accountability.

5.2. Recommendations and/or Suggestions for Future Research

This autoethnography has led to more research questions for the future related, for example, to exploring teaching partnerships and preparation for teaching partners in PE teacher education. I never received any training for becoming a teaching partner and I am sure I have contributed to some of these tense relationships through lack of education and preparation. Furthermore, the lack of mandatory collaboration through professional learning time and opportunities may also contribute to miscommunication, unequal responsibilities, and ineffective teaching teams (Hagenah et al., 2022). These are the sorts of things that might be researched in future inquiries.

5.3. My New Path

I also felt a great deal of emotional labor through these partnerships, as I never voiced my dissatisfaction or troubles with other colleagues in my building (Lee, 2019). As a lot of my dissatisfaction happened while in a teaching partnership, I felt it was not appropriate to share it in my work setting. I respected all my colleagues and did not wish to be seen as gossiping. For some situations, other than those concerning Jack, I would voice my concerns with colleagues; sometimes this helped (me) and sometimes it did not. Burnout, stress, demoralization, and lack of mentorship can contribute to teacher turnover and shortages, and I was feeling this (Lee, 2019; Walker, 2019). As teachers can begin to experience feelings of burnout due to unresolved issues, I wondered if my well-being was suffering as it felt like I was fighting invisible battles every day on many levels (Lee, 2019).

Ultimately, I made the decision to take a break from PE as a cathartic solution. Acknowledging the frustrations and hurt I carry daily made me realize I need a break and an opportunity to re-discover who I am as a teacher. I do not want to be a negative teacher or teaching partner because of unjust feelings and perceptions. I still deeply care about PE and believe women bring value to the field. At times, I worry and feel like I am giving up. However, I remind myself that just because I am starting a new chapter does not mean I am finished writing the book. And, with respect to my voice and this chapter, I also recognize that there is a need for an increase in female voices in the PE literature, particularly as it relates to this topic. It is my sincere hope that my reflections will connect with other women (and men) in the PE field and ignite further contemplation, conversation, and action.