The Relationship of Grandparents and LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) Grandchildren, as Perceived by the Grandparents

Abstract

There has been a growing trend of young people coming out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (LGBTQ) in recent years. Research on the relationship between LGBTQ grandchildren and their grandparents is limited and primarily focuses on the grandchildren’s perspective. This pilot study seeks to understand the relationship between grandparents and their LGBT grandchildren, from the grandparents’ perspective. Six Israeli grandparents were interviewed using a qualitative methodology, guided by a semi-structured interview protocol. Analysis of the interviews revealed three main themes: grandparents’ exposure to the grandchildren’s sexual orientation and their gender identity; the shattering of the grandparents’ dream and concern for the grandchild; and the relations between the grandparents and their LGBT grandchildren. The research findings in this pilot study indicate that the relations remained close and did not change following disclosure of the sexual orientation. However, some grandparents needed time to resume their regular relationship. The insights learned from the research findings regarding the process undergone by the grandparents upon discovering their grandchildren’s sexual orientation can help professionals treat and counsel family members, when necessary, how to bridge the gaps, and rebuild the relations between the grandparent and the grandchild, as these relations are important for the well-being of both.

1. Introduction

In recent years, there has been a rise in the number of young people “coming out” and identifying as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, LGBTQ). Furthermore, a growing number of adolescents are disclosing their sexual orientation to their parents at an earlier stage in the family life cycle compared to previous generations (Fruhauf et al. 2019; Saltzburg 2004).

Research in this field investigates LGBTQ children and their families from various cultural, social, and intergenerational perspectives

Saltzburg’s (2004) study, conducted in a New England state, involved interviews with parents of adolescents. Following their children’s disclosure of sexual orientation, these parents experienced profound sadness, despair, and disappointment. They realized that their son or daughter would not pursue the life that they had imagined for them or for themselves. The findings indicate a process of parental structure reorganization, such as adapting to sons or daughters as gay or lesbian.

The disclosure of a child’s lesbian or gay identity can send shockwaves through a family. For example, mothers might question their parenting skills, and fathers might fear that their daughters will face discrimination. Many LGBTQ adolescents fear rejection by their families and the loss of support if they come out. Overall, learning that a child is gay challenges long-held perceptions of sexuality and relationships. The resulting uncertainty can generate feelings of anger, resentment, and anxiety within the family unit (LaSala 2010). In his qualitative and cross-cultural study, LaSala interviewed sixty-five gay and lesbian individuals and their parents in the United States. He revealed surprising findings, such as the potential for a child’s gay identity to improve family relationships, including father–child dynamics. This can occur even if a parent initially reacts harshly or negatively to the disclosure. Both articles by Ghosh (2020a, 2020b) focus on parental acceptance of young LGBT individuals after coming out. In his article, Ghosh (2020b) examines existing scholarly knowledge on parental acceptance of young lesbian and gay individuals within traditional heteronormative families. It highlights that parental acceptance, while generally occurring, is often not immediate and is a complex, time-consuming process. This process is influenced by parents’ access to resources that help them cope with the stress associated with their child’s sexual identity. These resources include counseling or therapy, supportive friends and extended family, and a network of other parents with lesbian and gay children.

In his monograph, Ghosh (2020a) examined the process of parental acceptance among gay men in both India and the United States. The conducted interviews reveal that gay men commonly experience contextual parental acceptance. This acceptance is not static; rather, it strengthens or weakens at different points and stages throughout life and across various interactive settings. The dynamic nature of parental acceptance in these contexts is shaped significantly by how parents respond to the forces of heteronormativity and homonormativity. It is also influenced by the alignment of gay men with racial normativity. For instance, Ghosh (2020a) highlights how the strong emphasis on family honor in India can lead to different manifestations of acceptance compared to the more individualistic context of the United States

Various studies address the significant importance of family acceptance. For instance, Ryan et al. (2010), in their quantitative study that was conducted in the United States and included a sample of Latino and non-Latino white young adults, highlight the crucial role of family acceptance as a protective factor for LGBT adolescents and young adults. For LGBT adolescents, family acceptance is a significant predictor of positive mental and physical health in young adulthood, leading to increased self-esteem and social support. Furthermore, it offers protection against depression, substance use, and suicidal ideation and behaviors.

A question discussed in various countries is how and in what ways laws and policies should regulate the family lives of lesbian and gay citizens (C. J. Patterson 2013). Across the United States, many related questions like these have been the subject of fierce debate in the media, in courts, and within government in numerous states. Currently, throughout the United States, the legal and policy frameworks governing lesbian and gay parents and their children are remarkably varied. In some states, the law affirms same-sex marriage, stranger adoption, and second-parent adoption, rendering parents’ sexual orientation irrelevant in matters of fostering, child custody, and visitation. Conversely, other states do not recognize same-sex marriage and disadvantage lesbian and gay parents in child custody and visitation proceedings. Nevertheless, numerous studies indicate that children of lesbian and gay parents demonstrate at least as good an adjustment as those of other parents.

In Israel, the LGBT community has made significant strides towards legitimization. Major achievements include the annulment of the law against sodomy in 1988, the public coming out of figures in media, politics, and the military, and annual Gay Pride parades in several cities. Strides have also been made on the legal front, such as the recent rulings allowing a same-sex couple to be listed as married in the population registry and the same-sex partner of a biological father or mother to be listed as the child’s parent. Nevertheless, discrimination still exists in certain regards, along with homophobia, particularly in the religious Jewish and Muslim communities, where the sexual orientation of LGBT individuals is not accepted (Even-Zohar 2021).

This pilot study seeks to understand the relationship between grandparents and their LGBT grandchildren, from the Israeli grandparents’ perspective.

1.1. Relations Between Grandparents and Their Grandchildren—The Israeli Context

Israeli society is highly familist, and this is reflected in the importance attached to the extended members of the family (Fogiel-Bijaoui and Rutlinger-Reiner 2013; Offer and Libby 2020). Some of the studies conducted in Israel on grandparent–grandchildren relationships addressed emotions, expectations, and feelings of subjective well-being in the grandparenthood role (e.g., Taubman-Ben-Ari et al. 2013). The various sectors of Israel’s multicultural society have also been investigated; for example, the meaning and role of grandparenthood among Holocaust survivors, and the impact of Holocaust trauma on the third generation (grandchildren) (e.g., Greenblatt-Kimron et al. 2021). Other studies have focused on immigrants from the Soviet Union (e.g., Fogiel-Bijaoui 2013) and Arab culture (e.g., Ron 2014).

One of the social attributes affecting relationships between grandparents and grandchildren is the religious variable. A review of studies (Even-Zohar 2015) concerning the effect of religiosity on the relationships between grandparents and grandchildren in Israeli Jewish society indicated that religious grandparents are more involved with grandchildren in the context of transmitting traditions, knowledge, values, and behaviors. In Israeli culture, the prominence of tradition and religion highlights family values, evident in familial gatherings held on Shabbat (the Jewish day of rest) and during Jewish holidays. Moreover, the close geographical proximity of family members in the small nation enables frequent spontaneous encounters (Kestler-Peleg et al. 2023).

LGBTs can be found among all generations: grandparents, parents, and grandchildren (Fruhauf et al. 2019; Kuvalanka et al. 2014; Tasker and Lavender-Stott 2020).

1.2. LGBT Grandparents and Their Relations with Their Grandchildren

Whalen et al. (2000) conducted the first qualitative study on lesbian grandmothers, revealing that these grandmothers perceived themselves as playing a significant role in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives by offering emotional support and practical assistance. Specifically, concerning their grandchildren, these grandmothers aimed to supplement perceived gaps in the grandchildren’s nuclear families. For example, they provided enrichment activities like music or dance lessons and influenced their values through the disclosure of alternative lifestyles.

S. Patterson’s (2005a, 2005b) research similarly indicated that lesbian grandmothers who came to terms with their sexual orientation later in life often found this realization to be a profound “gift,” offering new perspectives on their identities as mothers and grandmothers. This late-life discovery, while empowering these women with independence and modeling non-traditional family structures for younger relatives, also carried the potential for considerable familial discord, sometimes leading to highly strained relationships with their children.

Qualitative research on lesbian and bisexual grandmothers and gay grandfathers consistently indicates that strong relationships with adult children often predict similar positive relationships with grandchildren. The decision to disclose sexual orientation to grandchildren is primarily influenced by the support received from adult children, with a lack of such support leading to more distant relationships (Fruhauf et al. 2019; Orel 2006; Orel and Fruhauf 2013). Thus, coming out to their children appears to strengthen bonds with both children and grandchildren. Furthermore, the ability to disclose their sexual orientation to grandchildren and receive their support significantly contributes to the older person’s well-being (Orel and Fruhauf 2013). However, a study of gay grandfathers by Tornello and Patterson (2016) presented a contrasting view: while perceived support from adult children and grandchildren regarding sexual identity correlated with better mental health, the quality of the grandparent–grandchild relationship was more impacted by their existing emotional connection than by the adult children’s reaction to the disclosure.

1.3. LGBT Grandchildren and Their Relations with Their Grandparents

As mentioned, the participants of most of the studies that refer to the relations of LGBT grandchildren and their grandparents are the grandchildren themselves (e.g., Even-Zohar 2021; Grafsky et al. 2018; Scherrer 2016). The research findings show that grandchildren who felt close to their grandparents disclosed their sexual orientation to them directly. Other grandchildren preferred to use a “mediator,” their parents, to tell the grandparents, sometimes at the parents’ request. Grandchildren chose not to disclose their sexual orientation to grandparents for several reasons. These included the grandparents’ older age, their potential belonging to a prejudiced older generation, and their religious or conservative views. Additionally, grandchildren aimed to protect their grandparents. They feared that disclosure might hurt their feelings or even cause a decline in their health due to age-related problems (Even-Zohar 2021; Grafsky et al. 2018; Scherrer 2011, 2016). The findings of the studies from the grandchildren’s point of view show that grandchildren–grandparents relations did not change and remained close also after the grandchildren disclosed their sexual orientation; actually, the grandparents continued to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives, and the latter noted that the grandparents’ support and the sense of calm space and unconditional love that they experienced from them after the disclosure were very significant for them (Even-Zohar 2021; Grafsky et al. 2018; McCandless-Chapman et al. 2024; Roe 2017; Scherrer 2011, 2016). The grandparents accept their LGBT grandchildren even when the grandchildren experience tensions with their family based on rejection by the parents due to their gender (Schmitz and Tyler 2018). Grandparents play an important role in the lives of grandchildren as a source of support network for them, provide them with a security net, and contribute to their health, sense of psychological well-being, and positive adjustment (McCandless-Chapman et al. 2024; Robinson 2018; Tornello and Patterson 2016).

Reference to grandparents’ perspective was provided by Scherrer (2010, 2011, 2016), who conducted dyadic interviews with grandchildren and grandparents in the US, and to the best of our knowledge, her research indicates that the grandparents’ perception of this issue is the only one so far. In her study, eight grandfathers and 23 grandmothers aged 62–97 were interviewed, all Caucasian, aside from one woman. All were heterosexual, healthy, and living in independent settings. Most were pensioners with a wide range of religious faiths. The findings indicate that among some of the grandparents, a state of ambivalence could be identified in the grandparent–grandchild relationship. For instance, regarding religious faith, some of the grandparents displayed a state of mixed feelings, tension, and conflict at the different sexual orientation. Others expressed anger at the unchanging attitude of the church. The findings also show that grandparents’ life experience and their media-influenced understanding of many cultural sexual changes shaped their understanding of LGBT individuals in general and of their grandchildren specifically. In addition, grandparents’ understanding of sexuality as something private and personal that is none of their business, such that it holds no significance, contributed to their reactions toward their grandchildren. Since the grandparents cannot change the situation, they are reluctant to harm their relationship with their grandchildren. They embraced several accepting behaviors, such as participating in same-sex weddings, although they expressed a wide range of views regarding same-sex marriage, inviting the grandchildren and their spouses for the holidays, and making sure to tell the grandchildren that they love them as they are.

In summary, the grandchildren describe the complexities of disclosure to their grandparents, and in most cases, they felt that the relationship remained close even after the disclosure, and they continued to enjoy the grandparents’ support. As perceived by the grandparents, the relationship with their LGBT grandchildren is affected mainly by the grandparents’ cultural background and their childhood environment. The grandparent generation’s love for their grandchildren was also found to be “unconditional,” and they mostly displayed patience, understanding, and containment, with fewer expectations, criticism, and judgment. Grandchildren’s coming out to their grandparents has little effect on their overall relationship, which is shaped by the previous history of their relationship. In certain cases, knowledge of the grandchildren’s sexual orientation allowed improvement and renewed closeness, further clarifying the important roles of grandparents, as well as their ability to serve as allies within the family (Scherrer 2010, 2011, 2016).

1.4. Research Rationale and Aim

In the current era, there is a gradual rise in the number of young people who are “coming out” and identifying as LGBT, but only a few studies have been conducted on grandparent–grandchild relations in the context of sexual orientation (Fruhauf et al. 2019). The studies on the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren has been investigated particularly from the perspective of grandchildren (e.g., Even-Zohar 2021; Grafsky et al. 2018; Scherrer 2010, 2011, 2016) and to the best of our knowledge, only the research of Scherrer (2011, 2016) dealt with the grandparents’ point of view. Thus, the present study aims to fill the gap by seeking to answer the research question: How do grandparents experience the relationships with their LGBT grandchildren?

2. Materials and Methods

To understand the meaning of grandparents’ experiences, perceptions, and views regarding the relationship with their grandchildren in light of the latter’s sexual orientation, the study utilized a qualitative methodology guided by the Interpretive Phenomenological Approach (IPA) (Smith and Osborn 2016; Smith et al. 2009). This approach focuses on the realistic circumstances as perceived by the participants and brings information about the world as they see it (Denzin and Lincoln 2011). IPA uses in-depth, semi-structured interviews as a basis for a detailed examination of how participants explain their personal and social world in general, and of the meaning that they give to experiences, situations, and events (Smith and Osborn 2016). With this method, we can learn about the significance of the grandparents’ experience in their relationship with their LGBT grandchildren.

2.1. Research Procedure and Ethics

After receiving the approval of the ethics committee at the university where the study was conducted (approval no. AU-SOC-AEZ-20230104), the research participants were recruited through a notice on social media that included the subject and aim of the study. Participants were also recruited using the “snowball” method. The initial participants were asked whether they knew grandparents of LGBT individuals who would be interested in participating, and once these gave their consent, the interviewers received their contact details. The interviewers were MSW (Master of Social Work) students. All the students involved in conducting interviews underwent comprehensive training in qualitative research methods, including specific modules on handling sensitive topics and ethical considerations in interviewing. This training covered techniques for establishing rapport, active listening, maintaining neutrality, recognizing and responding to emotional cues, and ensuring interviewee confidentiality and well-being throughout the interview process. After contact was formed with the participants, they were given a detailed explanation of the aim and course of the study and told that participation was voluntary. They were also assured of confidentiality (all the participants would be given pseudonyms, and no identifying details would be recorded) and that the information gathered would be used for research purposes only. Moreover, they were told that they could terminate their participation at any time at will. The participants were also informed of available professional counseling services should they wish to seek further support after the interview. After the participants signed informed consent forms, the interviews were conducted during 2023 in the participants’ homes, aside from one that was conducted on Zoom, and they lasted between 60 and 90 min. The interviews were based on a semi-structured interview guide that included open and closed-ended questions. For instance, “How do you experience your relationships with your grandchild since the discovery of his/her sexual orientation?” This tool made it possible to ask basic predetermined questions but was open for expansion of certain areas that arose in the interview, following information that the interviewees agreed to share while asking additional questions adapted to the interviewees’ replies (Creswell 2012). All the interviews were recorded with the participants’ knowledge and transcribed after the encounters. To protect participant privacy, all audio recordings were transcribed verbatim by the interviewers (the MSW students) shortly after the interviews. Once accuracy was verified against the transcripts, the audio recordings were securely deleted from all devices. The resulting transcripts were then anonymized by removing all identifying information and given pseudonyms.

In this pilot study, purposeful sampling was utilized with a focus on the criteria of the population, i.e., grandparents of LGBT individuals, and providing an optimal response to the research question. Notably, it was not easy to recruit participants for the study. Some grandparents expressed interest but then changed their minds for various reasons. For example, one grandfather made contact with his son (not the father of the lesbian granddaughter) and deliberated whether to participate in the study. He asked that the interviewer contact him but then gave notice that he had decided not to participate because the topic was sensitive for him and he did not want to discuss it. Later, his son explained that his father is finding it hard to accept that the granddaughter is lesbian and therefore has difficulty addressing the subject. Ultimately, only six Israeli grandparents were interviewed, five grandmothers and one grandfather aged 71–89, with a mean age of 80.3. Regarding religiosity, two grandparents were religious, two traditional, and two secular. Regarding education, three grandparents had a high school education, two had a Master’s degree, and one had a PhD. The distribution of the grandchildren’s gender was that two of the grandparents had gay grandsons, two had a gay grandson and a lesbian granddaughter, one had a granddaughter who underwent gender-affirming treatment, i.e., was a transgender, and one had a bisexual granddaughter.

2.2. Data Analysis

The analysis followed the stages prescribed by the IPA method (Patton 1990; Smith et al. 2009; Smith and Osborn 2016). In the first step, the transcripts of the interviews were read several times by the students and the main researcher (the first author of this article), the student’s supervisor, to reenter the participant’s world and to obtain a general picture. Consequently, the authors developed a deep familiarity with the data. In the second step, each student re-read the texts of her interviews and divided the text into meaning/content units by locating the main recurring themes and patterns, and giving titles to the different units. In the third stage, in a group guidance meeting, a comparison was conducted between the meaning units received from all the texts. Discussions were held regarding the appropriate titles and where each statement belongs while breaking down each case into segments representing discrete units of meaning of all the interviews, which reflected the research aim. Subsequently, the identified codes were grouped into initial themes. As the authors continued reading, some of the themes were removed or revised, and additional codes and categories were added. In the fourth stage, the categories produced were analyzed and examined, making it possible to understand each category and its components and forming connections between the categories to structure three main themes. These themes reflect the meanings within the grandparents’ experiences. All the themes will be presented in the findings chapter, illustrated via quotes from the interviewees.

2.3. Credibility

To ensure the rigor and quality of our pilot IPA study on grandparents’ perspectives of their LGBT grandchildren, we adhered to the established criteria used by Smith et al. (2009). These are crucial for qualitative research, particularly within the idiographic, interpretative, and phenomenological framework of the IPA.

Our analysis prioritizes:

Plausibility and coherence: Ensuring the themes present a believable, well-structured, and logically connected narrative of the grandparents’ experiences.

Analytic depth and richness of detail: Providing profound insights supported by extensive, vivid verbatim extracts, delving into the underlying meanings and emotions. A diverse representation of the phenomenon studied was ensured by conducting semi-structured in-depth interviews to encourage a free and open dialogue reflecting the authentic and personal experience of being grandparents of LGBT individuals. Moreover, a diverse representation of the phenomenon studied was ensured by conducting interviews with grandparents of grandchildren with a variety of gender identities (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender), while presenting a thick description of the findings by bringing many quotations from the grandparents’ words.

Transparency and reflexivity: Clearly documenting the entire analytical process, from data collection to theme development, and acknowledging the researcher’s potential influence. To reduce the bias among the interviewers, a reflective diary written by each interviewer was used, focusing on their disclosure and perceptions of the research topic, and guidance was provided in all stages of the interviews, maintaining a testimony chain of each step in the research.

Engagement with convergence and divergence: Highlighting both shared experiences and unique variations among the grandparents, offering a nuanced understanding of the phenomenon.

Idiographic focus: Maintaining a deep dive into individual cases to capture the specificities of each grandparent’s experience before identifying broader themes.

Engaging and enlightening account: Presenting the findings in a compelling manner that offers new and valuable insights for both academic understanding and practical application, particularly for professionals supporting families.

3. Results

Analysis of the interviews produced three main themes that express the grandparents’ experiences of their relations with their LGBT grandchildren (all the names of the participants mentioned below are fictitious).

3.1. Theme 1: The Grandparents’ Disclosure of Their Grandchildren’s Sexual Orientation

This theme encompasses grandparents’ discovery of their grandchildren’s sexual orientation and reveals a complex interplay of disclosure dynamics and the grandparents’ unique psychological processing. The theme includes four sub-themes.

3.1.1. Manner of Disclosure

Most of the grandparents noted that the grandchild’s parents, namely their children, were those who told them about their grandchildren’s sexual orientation, and they think that this is appropriate. Beyond a simple preference for “who tells,” this sub-theme delves into the notion of emotional burden reduction and familial containment. For example, Hannah, who has a gay grandson, said:

Because she [my daughter] had already experienced the shock, she had already processed it within herself and was only concerned about my reaction… I think that it is proper that my daughter told me this to reach some balance with the subject.

When parents disclosed, it often functioned as a protective act, absorbing the initial “shock” and facilitating a smoother emotional transition for the grandparents. Hannah’s experience highlights the parents’ pre-processing of the news, allowing them to serve as buffers for their own parents’ reactions. This points to a deeper family system at play, where emotional labor is distributed across generations.

In contrast, Ronit, who has a bisexual granddaughter, noted that she would have liked her granddaughter to tell her:

Of course, I would have liked her [the granddaughter] to tell me… to say to me: Granny, I’m in love, I’m fine, I’m happy.

Ronit’s desire for direct disclosure from her granddaughter is not just about information; it is an expression of direct intimacy of their bond, bypassing the parental filter. This suggests a desire for direct and intimate sharing, aligning with the grandmother’s perceived role as a confidante and source of unconditional support.

The experiences of Hannah and Ronit highlight contrasting relational expectations regarding disclosure. Hannah appreciated her daughter’s decision to “process the shock” before informing her, aligning with a protective family strategy where parents mediate difficult news to their older parents. In contrast, Ronit expressed a desire for direct disclosure from her grandchild, suggesting a preference for greater intimacy and normalcy in their relationship.

3.1.2. The Grandparents’ Reactions

The grandparents’ reactions were varied; some said that they were surprised by the news, and some said that they were not surprised by it. Others referred to taking time to come to terms with it. Sarah, who has a lesbian granddaughter and a gay grandson, noted:

At some point, he notified their parents, and no one was excited. I think they had already thought of it. When they told me—I had no idea…

In contrast, Sagit who has a gay grandson was not surprised:

You [to her daughter] don’t have to tell me, I know, my grandson is gay. I knew it by his behavior. He was very very moody; he behaved very very strange.

Similarly, Adina who has a transgender grandchild noted:

I had always known that he was different. I can’t explain why or how but I had an intuitive feeling … But I never said it and never asked. I also always thought that he would be gay and that he would be the feminine side of the relationship.

Side by side with the lack of surprise, Adina related to her reactions and those of her husband, the grandfather, to the disclosure:

My husband didn’t say anything; it was hard for him. There was excitement and agitation. I remember myself sitting as a grandmother and thinking what we had missed.

The varied reactions—surprise versus prior intuition—uncover deeper cognitive dissonance. While some like Sarah were genuinely surprised, others like Sagit and Adina, described an “unspoken knowing.” Their observations of “strange behavior” or “being different” represent pre-existing interpretive frameworks that they had developed to make sense of discrepancies from normative expectations. The statements about the behavior may reflect pre-existing biases or interpretations. Adina’s expression the “excitement and agitation” may reflect the clash between unconditional love and deeply ingrained social schemas.

3.1.3. Reactions of the Grandparents’ Close and Extended Family and Their Social Environment

It is evident from the grandparents that their children’s reactions (the grandchildren’s parents) indicate containment and acceptance of their children. The parents’ acceptance highlights the powerful, protective force of parental love, overriding societal judgments and providing a model for the grandparents. Ronit shared:

They [her parents] took it better than me. No father or mother wants to lose their child for such a reason, so they have to take care of them, protect them, and listen to them.

All the grandparents noted that members of the extended family knew about the sexual orientation and reacted with understanding and acceptance. Adina shared:

Everyone knows, in our family nothing is kept secret… there are no secrets here…

Also, Hannah, who maintains a religious lifestyle, noted:

I don’t think that anyone is keeping a distance from him… We are truly lucky to have an accepting family, just as it is not disturbing when someone is not religious… It was an opportunity to show that he is truly a part of the family no matter what path he chooses.

Some grandparents chose to share the disclosure with their close friends, and most preferred not to talk about it. Ronit:

It’s of no interest to anyone… I don’t tell anyone anything, only my children, in my home, my family.

Sagit noted that she told her friends, but just as she spoke about the other grandchildren:

Sometimes when they ask me about the grandchildren, I tell them about all of them, including him.

The varying approaches to social disclosure—some sharing freely like Sagit, others selectively like Ronit—reflect diverse coping strategies and highlight the boundaries between family privacy and the disclosure of this family information to a wider social sphere, which may be less accepting.

3.1.4. The Generation Gap

This sub-theme illuminates the existential challenge faced by older generations. The grandparents referred to their status as belonging to an older generation, raised with different perceptions and beliefs than the current generations with regard to intimate relations and sexuality. Ronit:

It doesn’t suit us, as older people, it doesn’t suit us at all… We wanted them to be like our parents, like us… to have a family. I don’t know, it seems to me safer… it’s what I’m familiar with… I’m not familiar with anything else.

Adina shared her difficulty:

I can’t understand the young, I’m sorry, it’s something I can’t understand. I’m 83 years old, and it’s very hard at my age… it’s hard to get used to new things. I have lived a long life, raised children, and seen my grandchildren grow up… but to ask me to understand them? I don’t… It’s very different from when I was growing up.

Ronit related to her prejudices:

It’s a prejudice because my parents… it would never have been allowed in our home… we didn’t even know about it… I’m not right [but] that is what I was taught and it’s my view… that’s the way it is.

Sagit spoke about the gap between past and present, emphasizing concealment:

Today is not like the past. Fifty years ago the parents used to throw their gay sons out of the house. They were treated like they didn’t exist… Today the situation is better, they are accepted, they get married, have children—they build a life. I think that today it’s more normal and more accepted and that’s how it should be… Previously they lived a life of lies…Today things are better, as a society we have learned to live with them.

Hannah expressed concern about the changes that she observes in society:

It’s regretful, something is happening in the world that I have no idea why—its something in the air, in the atmosphere. But the way it’s taking place today and the social changes this entire subject entails—it’s spreading throughout the world. I notice changes in the language—there is no he or she. It’s hard for me to understand why this is happening…

Hannah also referred to the ambivalence she feels as a religious woman:

Some people believe that you can’t be religious if you are like that [have a different sexual orientation] and others believe that it can’t be accepted—yet others say that God created the world with men and women who have children—but today there are other ways of having children—I don’t know…

The grandmothers expressed a sense of loss when fundamental life schemas are challenged. It reveals feelings of difficulty about the unknown and a profound attachment to familiar, seemingly safer ways. This difficulty reflects how challenging it can be for individuals of that generation to integrate a new reality into their long-standing worldview. An expression of this can be seen in Hannah’s religious ambivalence in her dealing with deep faith and love for her grandson and developing worldviews, while emphasizing the personal and spiritual dimensions of her desire to accept the situation.

3.2. Theme 2: Shattering the Dream and Concern for the Grandchildren

This theme relates to the grandparents’ sense of helplessness at their grandchild’s disclosure and their disappointment following the grandchildren’s failure to meet their expectations—to start a family, have children, and make them proud.

For Adina, whose granddaughter underwent gender-affirming treatment and now identifies as a girl, the shattering of the dream was extremely significant, and she described her difficulty accepting her granddaughter’s new gender identity and its consequences:

I asked my transgender granddaughter: “What do I do with the memories? Where do I classify them? I bought you a tractor, I changed your diaper, you peed on me as a baby”… It means getting used to nuances, suddenly when I call my daughter and ask how is everyone doing and she says to me: “All the girls are at home”.

Adina’s poignant question encapsulates the cognitive dissonance experienced when long-held narratives about a grandchild’s life are fundamentally challenged.

Sarah shared her difficulty as a grandmother whose dream that her granddaughter would be married would not reach fruition:

I never imagined such a thing, I even designated a groom for her—her neighbor; not really, it was our joke. I understood that my primary discomfiture regarding my dream was that she would marry the neighbor—I understood that it would not happen. That sort of demolished what I had wanted for her.

The grandparents related to the grandchild’s having children as affecting the family continuity over three generations: the grandchild—who would not have children, the parents—who would not have grandchildren, and the grandparents—who would not have great-grandchildren. Ronit expressed:

The most important thing for us is primarily to start a family, to have children. We are like a tree that was planted and that bore fruit, and we want this to go on, to continue.

Sarah’s words reinforce this strong longing for great-grandchildren and her concern of missing out when she discovered her grandson’s and granddaughter’s sexual orientation:

It caused me sorrow… I told them: “Do whatever you want—but I want my great-grandchildren”. I want to know if my mother was right—the light in her eyes. She shone when she spoke about her great-grandchildren. She was delighted at each grandchild but she always said: “Just wait for the great-grandchildren”.

Central to this theme is the overriding concern for family continuity, vividly expressed by Ronit’s “tree” metaphor and Sarah’s fervent desire for great-grandchildren. The initial shock and sense of a “shattered dream,” as articulated by Adina and Sarah, can be understood not as the physical loss of their grandchild, but rather the loss of an imagined future—a future steeped in traditional, heteronormative milestones such as marriage and procreation. For these grandparents, the anticipated absence of biological great-grandchildren represents a potential void in their perceived contribution to the family lineage, challenging deeply embedded cultural and personal values related to perpetuation of the family name and their own legacy.

Additionally, the grandparents are simultaneously striving to ensure the well-being and happiness of their beloved grandchildren, even if it means confronting their own long-held dreams. They referred to their deep sense of concern for their grandchildren’s personal and social future in light of disclosing their sexual orientation. Sarah shared her wish to see her grandchildren in a happy relationship like “everyone else”:

I would truly like him [the grandson] to meet someone [a man] extremely nice and to see him content and well—regular things… my granddaughter too, I would like her to find someone [a woman] who will love her and make her happy and who will also be a good partner… they should have someone with whom to share the day’s events.

Sagit voiced her fear that her grandson would experience loneliness:

My greatest wish in the world is that he should find a partner. I’m not worried about the rest. Before I die, I would be glad to know that he has a nice partner for life. I feel that he is lonely—he is isolated.

Shmuel, whose grandson is gay and granddaughter is lesbian, described his sense of sorrow at the difficulty of becoming integrated into society, regarding the past and present:

I feel sad for them. Not for me—I knew that their life would be harder than that of someone who is not in that situation. Their situation is not so socially customary, particularly in religious society although now it is more accepted.

Sagit also referred to the topic of standing out in society and she too displayed optimism and hope:

I would like it if he was not a gay, not different…they do not fit in with society. It is necessary to find someone else who matches your irregularity. It’s not simple. But today they have rights, they can get married, have children… Today it’s more normal and more accepted and that’s how it should be.

This theme reveals a compelling narrative arc, transitioning from sadness to hope. Some of the participants (e.g., Sarah and Ronit) initially felt deep sorrow about not having great-grandchildren. However, this sentiment evolved into conditional optimism, as exemplified by Sagit’s observation that societal changes may still allow their grandchildren to have children.

3.3. Theme 3: The Relations Between the Grandparents and Their LGBT Grandchildren

This theme deeply explores the nuanced and often resilient nature of the grandparent–grandchild bond following the disclosure of the grandchild’s sexual orientation. Most of the grandparents attested to close relations with their grandchildren and that the nature of these relations did not change. For example, Shmuel attested to close relations with his grandchildren before and after the disclosure:

I’m very close to my grandchildren… It was not hard for me to accept it [their different sexual orientation]. It had no impact on our relations. The relations with them are excellent.

Sagit too described close relations with her grandson, which did not change:

He [the grandson] visits, and keeps in touch all the time. He helps me. He washes the dishes and helps buy groceries. I take him out for lunch. He’s a very polite kid. We have a good relationship. I love my grandchildren too much. I love him. And it’s mutual—he hugs me and cares for me.

Adina noted that it indeed took her time to get used to her transgender granddaughter who underwent a sex change, but it had no bad effect on their relations:

A relationship is something that you build over the years. Today, I can completely see her as a granddaughter and address her as she wishes. I compliment her: “Such nice hair, where do you buy your clothes, you are dressed so nicely”. It draws us closer, and it was important for me that she does not remain at a distance from me. She receives much more attention from me now than previously because now I can see a change in her. She’s more open. If she managed to change her life and it’s good for her then it’s also a success for us. We can’t change the lives of the next generations. What we didn’t dare do, they can. Just be there for her.

In contrast to preserving the relations, it is clear from Ronit that the relations changed slightly against her will:

There was silence… There was a distance… we didn’t talk. But—who wants to be mad at family, at your grandchildren? You have to be at peace, so you have to accept them… What can I do… …that’s the price. I go along with things…

It seems that although the grandparents accepted their grandchildren who have a different sexual orientation, it is hard for them to accept extroverted behavior such as Pride parades. Sarah lamented regarding gay pride expression:

It always bothered me… Once I told him [the grandson]: “Why do you need to put on all the mannerisms?’ It seems to me fake… I don’t like the extroversion, it feels to me like an act of defiance.

It is evident from the grandparents that they strictly maintain their grandchildren’s privacy. This is manifested in considering and checking appropriate topics for discussion. Ronit and Sarah raised the need to keep within certain boundaries as a grandmother.

Ronit:

Obviously, there are some things you don’t mention… You don’t pry, don’t get into the details… of the matter. She’s an adult…

Sarah:

There was once something I wanted to ask, but I said, no. If I’m not told, then it’s not mine to ask about.

It is possible, however, that some topics remain undiscussed not solely to maintain the grandchild’s privacy, but also due to the grandparents’ own comfort levels or capacity to engage with such information, as suggested by Hannah’s words:

I don’t know what he does outside—whether he goes to clubs, where he meets people, etc. I don’t think it’s right for me to get into that…

Ronit referred to the unique place as grandparents:

It’s not my custom to intervene… I’m a grandmother… I just have to be, mmm… to provide… a response as a grandmother and that’s it… to love, to smile, to listen… to encourage… What can a grandmother do? A grandmother wants to be visited and loved…

The findings highlight a prevailing stability and continuity in grandparent–grandchild bonds, even when significant life disclosures, such as those related to sexual orientation or gender identity, occur. The grandparents’ words consistently demonstrate that established closeness and affection within these relationships are powerful enough to transcend these specific aspects of a grandchild’s identity. This suggests that the foundational elements of the grandparent–grandchild relationship—including mutual love, support, and shared activities—are sufficiently robust to accommodate such revelations without fundamental disruption to the core bond. Adina’s experience further illustrates this resilience, demonstrating a process of adaptive re-cognition where initial adjustment to her transgender granddaughter’s new identity ultimately led to an enhanced sense of closeness and acceptance. However, this theme also reveals subtle tensions and boundaries inherent in these relationships, showcasing a complex interplay between personal values and the desire for familial harmony. Ronit described a period of silence and distance, leading to her eventual adaptation, which she articulated as: “’You have to be at peace, so you have to accept them… that’s the price.” This statement suggests a complex emotional process and ambivalence: it sounds like reluctant acceptance, rooted in a sense of duty rather than full emotional embrace. Similarly, Sarah’s discomfort with her grandson’s behavior at Pride events indicates that she accepts him as family but still struggles with aspects of his LGBT identity expression. These nuances show the concept of partial or conditional acceptance.

Ronit described a period of silence and distance, leading to her eventual adaptation, which she articulated as: “You have to be at peace, so you have to accept them… that’s the price.” This statement suggests a complex emotional process, indicating an acceptance that may stem from a sense of familial obligation alongside, or prior to, full emotional embrace.

A particularly striking aspect is the strict maintenance of grandchildren’s privacy, often expressed as a form of protective caution. This behavior, which includes respecting boundaries, aligns with grandmothers’ established roles. Ronit’s perspective on the unique place of grandparents suggests an understanding of intergenerational boundaries and a potential self-protective mechanism regarding intimate details, extending beyond solely the grandchild’s privacy. Ultimately, this highlights how a grandparent’s perceived role or comfort level can restrict intergenerational communication on sensitive topics.

4. Discussion

The study included interviews with grandparents concerning their relationship with their LGBT grandchildren. Similar to the findings of Scherrer (2011, 2016), most grandparents heard about their grandchildren’s sexual orientation from their children, the grandchildren’s parents. The parent generation, often defined as “gatekeepers” for adult grandchildren (Giarrusso et al. 1996; Werner et al. 2005), also served as a mediator. This was particularly true when grandparents discovered their grandchildren’s sexual orientation. Indeed, grandparents see this as part of the parents’ responsibility, and therefore, most of them noted that they think that this is appropriate.

Petronio’s Communication Privacy Management (CPM) theory (2010) offers a framework for understanding how private information is managed within families. This theory highlights concepts like privacy ownership, privacy control, and the negotiation of collective privacy boundaries, noting that uncoordinated boundaries can lead to privacy turbulence. This theoretical framework is particularly pertinent when analyzing sensitive disclosures across generations, such as a grandchild’s sexual orientation. When grandparents learn about their grandchildren’s sexual orientation, research indicates that this information typically comes from the grandchildren’s parents. This observation strongly aligns with CPM, casting the parent generation as crucial “gatekeepers” in this sensitive information flow. From a CPM perspective, parents act as “co-owners” of this private information, exercising privacy control by managing its disclosure. The fact that grandparents often view this parental mediation as appropriate underscores a well-coordinated privacy boundary. This shared understanding prevents privacy turbulence, illustrating how established family roles and intergenerational dynamics shape the practices of communication privacy management within the family unit.

Concerning the parents, their considerable involvement in this issue may derive from their close contact with their own parents (the grandparents) and their concern for the grandparents’ well-being (Scherrer 2011). In addition, parents experience their children’s coming out as a challenging process, requiring a reorganization of parental structures, such as adapting to their sons or daughters as gay or lesbian. This is particularly true in the initial stage, when they find it difficult to share this information with other family members; some even avoid telling their own older parents, the grandparents (Carbone et al. 2023; Saltzburg 2004). The fact that the parents themselves do not know how to accept and contain this issue has a great impact on their level of readiness to disclose to others, and on their wish to mediate the disclosure (Ghosh 2020b). In line with LaSala’s (2010) research, which suggests that disclosing a child’s lesbian or gay identity can send “shockwaves” through a family, our study highlights the perspective of one grandmother. She was aware that her daughter had already experienced the shock and processed it and has already processed it within herself and was only concerned about the grandmother’s reaction.

It can be argued that grandparents’ emotional responses to a grandchild coming out of the closet bear some resemblance to those of parents. Carbone et al. (2023) in their research about Italian parents’ reactions to their children coming out introduced the idea that parents initially experience coming out almost like a loss, but over time, some move toward “family generativity,” finding pride and meaning in their child’s identity. Similarly, some grandparents, like certain parents, initially grieve lost expectations but later adapt and even find renewed closeness and growth after initial difficulty. In our study, Sagit’s optimistic outlook and Adina’s pride in her grandchild’s self-realization reflect a similar shift in their attitudes or emotional responses.

It is evident from the grandparents that their reactions to the disclosure of the grandchildren’s sexual orientation were varied. Some noted that they were not surprised, others mentioned needing time, and some related to the difficulty in understanding and accepting the sexual orientation. These findings are compatible with those of Scherrer (2011, 2016). Scherrer found that some grandparents displayed mixed feelings regarding the different sexual orientation. However, their life experience and exposure to media also contributed to their understanding of the topic. The modern era poses additional challenges for grandparents, as shown by Rahilly (2023), who studied gender-open parenting, where, to respect their adult children and maintain interaction with their grandchildren, grandparents must learn the principles of this new paradigm despite their concerns and ambivalence toward these experiences.

Thus, our study raised the issue of the generation gap—new versus old. The grandparents noted that they indeed have conservative prejudices regarding sexual orientations, due to their older age and belonging to another, older generation. In their generation, the topic of sexual orientation was concealed and accompanied by stigma. On one hand, they related their memories of the phenomenon as young people and the rejection experienced by LGBT individuals both from the family and from society. On the other hand, they are aware of the changes that have occurred regarding this issue. Despite the prevalence of the phenomenon and its legitimization, the grandparents expressed a concern that due to their sexual orientation, their grandchildren might remain alone, and they were mainly concerned about family continuity. Their dream for their grandchildren to continue the customary course of a “regular” intimate relationship and having a family was shattered, and they expressed their concern that their children would have no grandchildren and they themselves would have no great-grandchildren from that grandchild.

The grandparents stressed their concern that their expectation of their unique role and status as great-grandparents would not be realized. Indeed, the significance of this status was uncovered in previous studies (Biggs and Siren 2018; Even-Zohar and Garby 2016; Given-Reese and Beckmann-Murray 1996), which showed that being great-grandparents provided a sense of personal and familial renewal and reaffirmed their family’s continuity as “kin-keepers.” The concern for “family continuity over generations” links directly to family systems theory, specifically concepts of intergenerational transmission and the emphasis on family life cycle stages (Carter and McGoldrick 1988). Carter and McGoldrick (1988) developed a theoretical model that deals with the family life cycle, according to which each family moves through a sequence of different stages throughout life, and parenthood constitutes a developmental stage in the family life cycle.

Some grandparents in the current study, such as Hannah and Sagit, acknowledged a societal shift, stating that “today things are different” and society has “learned to live with them [LGBT people].” This suggests that the family system is also recalibrating to a new norm within the context of the family life cycle.

The grandparents’ anxieties reflect a disruption to the perceived normative progression of their family unit, where the expectation of grandchildren and great-grandchildren is central to their sense of legacy and familial well-being. The satisfaction of seeing the family spread over four generations might also provide them with psychological support, constituting a “milestone,” an indication of longevity, and seeing their dream and goal of family continuity come true. Nevertheless, the grandparents expressed a certain optimism, noting that they are aware of the current progress in different options for having children even in same-sex families, such as surrogacy, as described by Tsfati and Segal-Engelchin (2024) about Israeli grandparents in gay father surrogacy families, and by Wei and Wang (2024) on the role of grandparents in providing childcare within Chinese LGBT parent families. Moreover, the adoption of children by same-sex couples is legally recognized in several countries. Thus, LGBT grandchildren can become parents (Wang and Lee 2023). Our study revealed that grandparents expressed a desire for their grandchildren to have children, allowing them to become great-grandparents.

Concerning the grandparents’ relations with their grandchildren, previous research findings from the grandchildren’s perspective (Even-Zohar 2021; Grafsky et al. 2018; McCandless-Chapman et al. 2024; Scherrer 2011, 2016) show that, overall, grandparents’ relations with their grandchildren after disclosure of the latter’s sexual orientation remained close.

Even-Zohar’s (2021) study, which explored the perspectives of Israeli LGBT grandchildren, found similar results to the current study on Israeli grandparents. Both studies indicated that the grandparent–grandchild relationship generally remained strong and close even after the disclosure of the grandchildren’s sexual orientation. However, the response was not universally open. Similar to the findings of the current study, in some families, according to the grandchildren’s reports, grandparents reacted with restraint and an unwillingness to discuss the topic, leading both generations to avoid the subject, despite the enduring love and bond. From the grandchildren’s perspective, this reluctance to discuss their gender identity often stemmed from sensitivity to their grandparents’ potential reactions and a belief that it was better left unsaid. Conversely, in other families, the topic was discussed freely and openly. These grandchildren felt comfortable inviting their partners to their grandparents’ homes, and conversations even included discussions about continuing the family line through children. In these cases, grandparents consistently offered love, support, and continued involvement in their grandchildren’s lives.

From the grandparents’ perspective (Scherrer 2011, 2016), since they cannot change the situation, the grandparents want to avoid any harm to their relationship with their grandchildren. They were meticulous about telling their grandchildren that they love them as they are, and they were supportive.

Grandparents play a crucial role in passing on faith and religiosity, a dynamic seen in both Jewish and Christian traditions alike (Littler 2008). Research shows that religious grandparents are more involved and have better relationships with their grandchildren, often seeing it as their duty to share family history and religious values (Even-Zohar 2015; King et al. 2006; Littler 2008). However, differences in religious paths can also create conflict and distance between generations. For instance, when grandchildren do not continue to follow the path of their grandparents’ faith, this can challenge the relationships between grandparents and their grandchildren (Bengtson et al. 2009). Indeed, our research findings indicate the ambivalence experienced by religious grandparents in their relationships with their LGBT grandchildren. This is characterized by a conflict between their guiding religious faith and their love for their grandchildren and their desire to accept the situation. They are aware of the complex situation of their LGBT grandchildren in religious society, although now it is more accepted. Rahilly’s (2023) work on “gender-open grandparenting” offers a vital, though seemingly tangential, insight: older adults are capable of learning and adapting to new gender paradigms when provided with appropriate guidance. Rahilly’s research illustrates how grandparents successfully navigate situations where parents raise children without strict gender roles. This finding can be leveraged to underscore the argument that even traditional grandparents, like some within this study, strive to adapt when given adequate support or information.

Similarly, all the grandparents in our study said that it is very important for them to maintain close relations with their grandchildren and spoke about their wish to accept them and to express their love for them. Indeed, the findings show that the relations between the grandparents and their grandchildren remained close and did not change following the disclosure of the grandchildren’s sexual orientation, although some of the grandparents needed time to get used to the discovery and to return to their regular close relationship. Building on Ghosh’s (2020b) concept of “contextual parental acceptance,” we can understand how similar dynamics may apply to grandparents’ relationships with their LGBT grandchildren. Ghosh (2020a) posits that parental acceptance is not static; rather, it can wax and wane depending on situations and norms. Extending this idea, grandparents may maintain an unconditional love and acceptance of their grandchild’s core identity, viewing them as the same cherished individual. However, they might simultaneously reject or avoid engaging with certain aspects of that grandchild’s life. This could manifest as a reluctance to discuss dating experiences or discomfort with participating in public events related to, for example, LGBT identity. This nuanced understanding highlights that acceptance can be multifaceted, with unconditional affection coexisting with discomfort or disengagement regarding specific life choices or circumstances.

The concept of privacy boundaries (Petronio 2010) in grandparent–grandchild relationships involves the selective avoidance of sensitive topics, acting both as respect for privacy and a grandparental coping mechanism for discomfort. This aligns with McCandless-Chapman et al.’s (2024) “precarious familismo” in Latinx families, where the approach of neither asking nor telling maintains harmony alongside traditional norms. Some grandparents in our study maintained close relationships by tacitly establishing boundaries around topics like romance or sex, thereby avoiding potential conflict. That is, grandparents often adhere to a traditional script emphasizing nurture over judgment, consciously avoiding challenging topics with their LGBT grandchildren to preserve the relationship. This highlights complex, loving intergenerational dynamics, influenced by generational norms and gender expectations.

It should be emphasized that this conclusion is based on the participants in this specific pilot study, who may be unusually accepting, while other grandparents who reacted very negatively to their grandchild’s coming out might not be represented in our data. This was particularly evident in the case of the grandson who underwent a sex change (the transgender). Aside from the sense of a shattered dream, due to the concern of a lack of continuity, there was also a reference to the experience of losing childhood memories and the experience of foreignness due to the gender change. A similar finding emerged from a study involving two grandmothers raising transgender grandchildren (Kuvalanka et al. 2020). They discussed the challenging experience of caring for them on both personal and social levels. They also felt and expressed difficulty in adjusting to the change in their grandchildren’s gender identity. In the current study, the grandmother explained that her close relationship with her transgender grandchild was based on their previous relationship.

Similar to grandparents in Scherrer’s (2011, 2016) study, who emphasized their grandchildren’s privacy in sexual matters, the grandparents in the current study stressed their strict adherence to maintaining their grandchildren’s privacy, setting boundaries, and refraining from asking intimate questions. Knowing that they cannot change the future generations, they embrace the responsibility of grandparents “to be there for the grandchildren,” listening to what they share, whilst accepting and supporting them. They strive for mutual relationships with their grandchildren, hoping that they will be loved and continue to visit and spend time with them. These mutual relationships were also found in a study examining the relationship between adult grandchildren and their grandparents (Stephan et al. 2023). The love between the generations was described as unconditional and as stemming from their continuous relationship. Concurrent with the grandparents’ role as counselors (mentors), the grandchildren noted their own role as teachers concerning technological issues and social issues, where, for example, they taught their grandparents that LGBT individuals are neither rare nor distant. Talking about these issues allowed an open dialogue with the grandparents and, in many cases, changed their way of thinking (Stephan et al. 2023). It can be assumed that such a discourse held at present between grandchildren and grandparents draws older adults closer to social phenomena such as LGBT and provides them with knowledge about this issue. When encountering the topic within their family, their prior knowledge helps them understand and accept the grandchildren, as noted by grandparents in the study conducted by Scherrer (2011, 2016).

Our research findings indicating a strong desire among all the participants to maintain connections with their grandchildren can be interpreted through Bengtson and Roberts’s (1991) model of intergenerational solidarity. This model proposes six dimensions that explain the complex web of intergenerational relationships and their impact on family connection and character: associational solidarity refers to the frequency and patterns of interaction among family members; affectual solidarity refers to the type and degree of positive sentiments held about family members; consensual solidarity refers to the degree of agreement on values, attitudes, and beliefs among family members; functional solidarity refers to the degree of assistance and exchange of resources among family members; normative solidarity refers to the strength of commitment to perform familial roles and obligations; and structural solidarity refers to structural aspects that affect opportunities for intergenerational relationships, such as geographic proximity and the health of family members. The concept of “solidarity” specifically describes the bonds between parents and children, as well as between grandparents and grandchildren. It seems that strong pre-existing solidarity can buffer the impact of coming out.

Grandparents’ wish, expressed in the current study, is to accept their grandchildren, avoid judgment, and continue close relationships with them, even though their sexual orientation may contradict the grandparents’ perceptions. Some even stated that they would be glad if it did not exist in their family. As viewed by the grandparents, they want the LGBT grandchildren, like their other grandchildren, to continue visiting them, caring for them in their old age, and making them happy. Indeed, Sajjad and Malik (2023), who studied successful aging stemming from grandparent–grandchild relationships, showed that grandparents’ positive role in the family model is important because it improves grandchildren’s quality of life. A better quality of life among grandchildren, in turn, positively affects the grandparents’ successful aging. The research findings of Sajjad and Malik (2023) can explain the current findings, as the role which grandparents fill in their grandchildren’s lives—accepting them as they are, supporting them, and wishing for their good quality of life—contributes to the grandparents themselves and facilitates their successful aging. Similarly, Ryan et al.’s (2010) study found that familial acceptance of LGBT adolescents predicts better physical and mental health and overall well-being.

Research Limitations and Suggestions for Further Studies

The research limitations stem from the sample characteristics. A small number of grandparents were interviewed in the study. As noted above, the recruitment proved challenging, with some interested grandparents ultimately declining to participate due to the sensitive nature of the topic or their struggle to accept a grandchild’s identity. The grandparents who agreed to be interviewed may represent those who have achieved a level of acceptance, or at least a willingness to discuss the topic openly, regarding their grandchild’s LGBT identity. Consequently, our study likely underrepresents the experiences of less accepting or more conflicted grandparents. In addition, the sample is homogeneous as it encompasses only Jewish Israelis, and mostly women. Such a sample may limit the generalizability and credibility of the findings, and probably cannot be extrapolated to populations in other countries with different cultures. This study is only a pilot study, and our findings offer valuable initial insights but are not generalizable to all grandparent–grandchild relationships in the context of LGBT identity. Further research should expand the scope and interview a larger number of grandparents, both men and women, as well as grandparents from other ethnic groups. Future research should also include grandparents who experienced greater difficulty accepting their LGBT grandchildren, reacted very negatively, or even cut off contact after a grandchild came out. Understanding the factors that lead to such outcomes, as well as the frequency of their occurrence, would provide a more complete picture of the spectrum of grandparental responses. In addition, it would be desirable to conduct a study with dyads, i.e., grandparents and grandchildren from the same family, to learn about their interrelationships. Another future research study should assess how education or contact with LGBT communities influences older adults’ attitudes. Given that the participants in the current study knew their grandchildren from birth, sometimes holding biases, it is crucial to investigate if additional contact (e.g., meeting a grandchild’s partner or LGBT friends) further shifts these attitudes. This work could help develop better strategies for fostering family acceptance.

5. Conclusions

The research findings illuminate the multifaceted process that grandparents navigate upon learning of their grandchildren’s diverse sexual identities. This process often involves confronting a generational gap regarding LGBT issues, grappling with concerns for their grandchildren’s well-being, and wrestling with worries about family continuity.

At the same time, the findings reveal a spectrum of responses. Most grandparents expressed acceptance, love, and support for their grandchildren, and even expressed hope that social progress would allow their grandchildren to form families. This suggests a strong emphasis on maintaining warm and close intergenerational relationships, which largely persisted even after their grandchildren disclosed their sexual orientation.

However, it is crucial to acknowledge the diversity of these experiences. The findings suggest that acceptance is not universal; some grandparents showed only partial acceptance or initially distanced themselves, needing time to adjust and resume their usual relationships. This points to a complex, evolving process of adjustment and varying levels of affirmation among grandparents regarding their LGBT grandchildren. The study suggests that supporting these intergenerational relationships benefits both youth and grandparents. The findings indicate that when grandparents adapt and maintain close bonds, both generations may experience enhanced well-being. This highlights the importance of helping families through these transitions.

The study’s key contribution lies in revealing how Israeli familism and traditional gender/sexuality views uniquely shape grandparents’ reactions to a grandchild coming out. It highlights the nuanced impact of strong family values on acceptance among extended family, and explores the tension that religious grandparents face between faith and love. By emphasizing these distinct Israeli cultural and religious dynamics, our research offers original, context-specific insights that enrich our understanding of family responses to LGBT issues.

Contribution to the Field

Considering the significance and recognition of grandparents’ influence on their grandchildren, and in light of the anticipated growth in the number of young people coming out, the study added knowledge for understanding this complex issue that has yet to be sufficiently studied. The insights learned from the research findings regarding the process undergone by the grandparents upon discovering their grandchildren’s sexual orientation can help professionals treat and counsel family members, when necessary, on how to bridge the gaps and rebuild the relations between the grandparent and the grandchild, as these relations are important for the well-being of both.

The following are some practical suggestions for interventions: To provide respectful educational resources to grandparents on LGBT issues, helping to dispel misconceptions, to establish peer support groups where grandparents can connect with others who have navigated similar experiences, offering mutual support and shared learning, and to encourage therapists and social workers to facilitate open family communication. This allows grandchildren to share their lives at a comfortable pace, gradually building understanding and resolving conflicts, to offer specific resources for religious families, such as connections to compassionate faith leaders or interpretations that reconcile religious beliefs with LGBT acceptance.

Implementing these suggestions can help support grandparents through their acceptance journey, fostering stronger family bonds.