The Consequences of Disdainful Hook-Ups for Later Egalitarian Relationships of Girls
Abstract
:1. Introduction
2. Materials and Methods
2.1. Participants
2.2. Analysis
2.3. Ethical Considerations
3. Results
3.1. Finding Flaws in Non-Dominant Partners and Criticizing Everything They Do
With sexist boys, we devoted ourselves fully to them, they suppressed us and despised us, with the egalitarian ones we thought about a thousand micromachismos they committed.(Montse)
This hook on the boy erased everything… The other nice boys that appeared, with whom I had a relationship… It invalidated it… I think because they were really into me… And so I would lose motivation… While I was motivated by the ones who despised me.(Sofia)
All the girls from my group considered ourselves very feminist and modern, but most of us hooked-up with the ones that looked like ‘machos’, all of them who talked very badly about the women they had hooked up with. Then, the nice ones, at least I, didn’t see them, and I have later realized that I really liked some of them, but I couldn’t permit it because they would crush me [my friends]. So, I ended up crushing them [the nice boys] and stopped seeing them.(Montse)
In that long period of hook-ups, I saw flaws, even micromachismos, to the most egalitarian boys that treated me the best, that were into me, while I submitted to the sexist boys I hooked up with.(Daniela)
The word micromachismo, apart from having no scientific basis, has been one of the most detrimental words for gender violence. (…) It is a terrible word that has done a lot of harm and has fostered gender violence. It is used as an excuse for those attitudes.(Juan)
I remember that there were other boys, especially one that was friends with this other boy… He always tried to kiss me on the mouth… Teasing… Like a ‘progre’ [progressive] thing to do… He would always try it. I remember my boyfriend was so annoyed by that… I didn’t understand much… I thought it annoyed him because he was carca [not modern, old-style] in these things… (…) Now I see he was trying to protect me.(Sofia)
Criticizing the sexism and, however, remembering as the most exciting a boy who has said she was a slut (…) A friend who had a very egalitarian relationship with a very egalitarian guy. They would share the domestic work. (…) One day, she started criticizing his partner a lot, about everything. She said: ‘he seems egalitarian, but he’s not. (…) He takes the shopping list but doesn’t make sure if anything else is missing, which is an incredible inequality’. And I said: ‘Luisa, tell me who you are cheating on him with’. (…) She told me she was cheating on him with a married man from the same group of friends. I said: ‘and the domestic work, the man you are cheating on him with, does he share it too? She said: ‘no, he doesn’t. (…) I don’t care about that, I only have sex with him and that’s it’. So OK, if you don’t care, but, why do you have to look for flaws in your partner if you still consider what the other man does exciting?(Juan)
My mother had been in toxic relationships previously and because my father was into her she started to see a lot of flaws in him. She saw flaws in everyday things, or did not value nice details that he had. For example, shortly after I was born, my father had to go to the military service, he had to do it far away from home. On one of his leaves, he came to see her by surprise and she, far from being happy, asked him what he was doing there.(Manuel)
In the cases I know, something common that I identify is that they reproduce the roles of inequality. They take on the role of bossy but at the same time the lack of initiative from him. That is to say, they usually criticize any initiative from them: dinners, trips, if they go shopping… But if they stop doing these tasks then they criticize them for lack of initiative. It must also be said that in the end they also end up being leveraged, the relationship loses excitement, there is demotivation, on the part of both.(Lucas)
3.2. Belittling Non-Dominant Partners’ Abilities
I really liked Joan before starting dating him, I knew he was a “good boy”. I liked the first kiss. But nothing more. In the rest of the things I felt like it was evident that he had “no idea about sex” … He asked me “too much” if I wanted this or that thing… I was demotivated completely, I did not feel excited at all. I felt relief when the relationship eventually ended.(Violeta)
I submitted to the sexist boys I hooked up with even if I didn’t have any pleasure with them.(Daniela)
So, if you put him [the one that called you a slut] in the fuckzone, he is for that. So you will have double moral standards and the one who treats you well, you will place him in the friendzone, so he does not know how to have sex, he is not for that. This shatters the sexual relationship with your partner and the boy. Well, if the boy is a simp, it destroys him. If he is an intelligent guy he leaves you and goes with another one who treats him better (…) If you have the fantasy in your head of how the other boy forced you, how you told him ‘no’ but he continued, and you remember it as exciting, how will you get excited with someone that does not force you?(Juan)
One of these friends told me: ‘guys are either dull or toxic’. Dull was how they saw guys in an equal relationship.(Lucas)
The way she treated me gave me a lot of insecurities, especially on a sexual level. I doubted myself for a long time. Over the years, in other relationships where the treatment was completely different, I understood that it was not my problem.(David)
But then, you can say it verbally. First, with friends. I’m going to tell you the language they use. ‘he has a smaller d***, the italian guy did have a much bigger d***’. So you are despising him in front of your friends. (…) And they say: ‘his breath stinks sometimes, it looks like he hasn’t brushed his teeth’. So then, the other guy who was at the disco, half drunk and everything, his breath didn’t stink, did it not? (…) It is a constant despise, if it is a nice person he will get a complex about it and will think he doesn’t know like the other guys… It reaches hard situations like depression, and even suicide.(Juan)
She did not see him as an attractive person, a person she was attracted to, simply as someone who could give her a good life on the level of security and a way out of the situation she had in her previous history. He started to feel bad, there were even periods when he was on sick leave, he was constantly anxious… He was on sick leave for long periods of time because of anxiety. He felt unwell and out of place in the world. He only came out of it the moment he left this relationship and found a relationship with meaning, attraction and love.(David)
3.3. Humiliating and Despising
I have always treated very badly and despised all the nice boys I have been with. For example, I ignored two of them after hooking up. I treated one very badly, telling him yes and no all the time so he came after me, but knowing I didn’t like him. The other one, we dated for two weeks and after telling him it was better to leave it, I told him I felt really relieved of having broken up with him.(Daniela)
Those girls who remember that as exciting are the ones who cheat the most, and they do it with the worst guys, the ones who despise them the most (…) Those girls are the same as the boys that have double moral standards. If the boys, without cheating on them, simply say: ‘well, look, I want to end the relationship.’ They call him every name in the book!(Juan)
When I was 16 I hooked up with Fernando in the disco, but he was an acquaintance of the neighborhood… he did not have bad vibes. He had a boyfriend-like attitude toward me. He came to pick me up at the high school, he treated me very well. On the one hand, I was happy because “finally someone wanted to be my boyfriend” but at the same time, I thought ‘I’m going to get bored with this boy’. Even if I found him objectively handsome, I always saw many flaws in him. (…) One day, I decided to cheat on him, so it was “left clear” that I would not only be with him (…) it was for me to feel good humiliating him that way. Another day, we went to the cinema, with a friend of his and his girlfriend. The friend was a flirt… I liked him better. (…) I was flirting with him. I think it was very humiliating for my boyfriend (…) after that day, he changed.(Violeta)
It is a constant need to humiliate. It is a desire to humiliate. As she hasn’t had sexual satisfaction in what she remembers as so exciting, she needs another excitation, the humiliation, despise and deceit. To feel like they are feeling any emotion at all.(Juan)
In a dinner with parents of a school, a man said three times to another man, and everyone could hear it, including the women. He said: ‘I knew your wife before you’. Three times he said it. It was clear what that meant. The woman does not defend his husband, she even finds it funny what the other one is saying’.(Juan)
4. Discussion
5. Conclusions
Author Contributions
Funding
Institutional Review Board Statement
Informed Consent Statement
Data Availability Statement
Conflicts of Interest
References
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López de Aguileta, A.; Melgar, P.; Torras-Gómez, E.; Gutiérrez-Fernández, N. The Consequences of Disdainful Hook-Ups for Later Egalitarian Relationships of Girls. Int. J. Environ. Res. Public Health 2021, 18, 9521. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18189521
López de Aguileta A, Melgar P, Torras-Gómez E, Gutiérrez-Fernández N. The Consequences of Disdainful Hook-Ups for Later Egalitarian Relationships of Girls. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2021; 18(18):9521. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18189521
Chicago/Turabian StyleLópez de Aguileta, Ane, Patricia Melgar, Elisabeth Torras-Gómez, and Nerea Gutiérrez-Fernández. 2021. "The Consequences of Disdainful Hook-Ups for Later Egalitarian Relationships of Girls" International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health 18, no. 18: 9521. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18189521