Erotic Vitality and BDSM Practices: Sexual Experiences of Self-Identified Submissive Cisgender Heterosexual Portuguese Men

Abstract

The term BDSM is used to describe a wide range of sexual practices, with previously negotiated and mutually consented rules, which take place through a carefully dramatized exercise of roles and powers in the context of erotic and/or sexual interaction. This qualitative study explores the paths and discourses of 14 Portuguese men who practice BDSM and self-identify as submissive. In-depth online interviews were conducted to contextualize the emergence, development, and self-assessment of their practices. The thematic analysis of the results identified three themes: (1) between the awakening and consolidation of interest in the BDSM universe, (2) contacts, encounters, and (dis)continuities, and (3) erotic and sexual experiences (un)blindfolded. The reading of the results is based on a non-pathologizing perspective and highlights a positive evaluation of the sexual experiences reported, motivated by an intentional and collaborative search for pleasure and eroticism that violates traditional gender boundaries. It is recommended that future empirical studies are carried out using non-pathological models associated with BDSM, which could expand knowledge and legitimize different ways of experiencing sexuality.

1. Introduction

The study of sexual fantasies is crucial for mapping and understanding the inherent complexity and diversity of human sexuality [1,2,3,4]. The literature suggests that a large majority of the general population harbours sexual fantasies related to practices considered unconventional, including BDSM [5,6]. Despite the increasing visibility of these alternative forms of sexual desire in erotic literature and film [5,7], research has demonstrated the persistence of stigmatization surrounding these practices [8,9], as well as the spread of misconceptions associated with them [10]. This reality contributes to a general hesitation among participants in BDSM activities to disclose their interests in personal, romantic, social, and even clinical contexts [8,11].

However, research has also shown that BDSM practices can enhance erotic vitality [3]. ‘Erotic vitality’ could describe a sense of energetic, passionate engagement with one’s erotic or sensual experiences that plays a role in clinical engagement and personal development [12]. In fact, research has consistently shown that experiencing sexual satisfaction and pleasure, as well as positive sexual self-esteem, benefits sexual and mental health, as well as physical health, quality of life, and overall satisfaction with life [13,14].

This experience was constructed and negotiated through open dialogue among the involved parties regarding fantasies, desires, rules, limits, and possibilities [15,16]. Thus, there is a justified need for a deeper examination framed by a non-pathologizing perspective of the lived experiences of practitioners [3,5,11,17], with the aim of expanding knowledge in this area and thus creating better conditions for understanding and intervening in multiple contexts (e.g., education, clinical, health) within a domain as crucial as sexual diversity and self-determination [9].

BDSM is an umbrella term that encompasses a wide range of activities related to bondage and discipline, sadism, and masochism [11,18,19,20,21,22]. It can be defined as play where private desires, varying in intensity, transcend conventional sexual practices (e.g., kissing, touching, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, masturbation) and gender norms [22], conducted based on previously agreed explicit consent between the involved parties [16,23,24].

BDSM can be viewed as a means of materializing a set of fantasies within a relationship, be it occasional or ongoing, characterized by a mutual exchange of pleasure that resists prejudice and conservative morals [11,25]. These practices often involve the performance of physical and psychological roles between two or more consenting partners who willingly and knowledgeably engage in intimate practices that frequently include a pleasurable power exchange between a dominant party and a submissive one [26]. Additionally, there are practitioners known as “switches,” who exhibit greater versatility by being available to take on roles of domination or submission, depending on the context and their partner [27]. BDSM, therefore, is structured within environments defined by clear and pre-established rules, shared values, and norms by the parties involved that must be meticulously respected [20,28]. This practice inevitably involves a negotiation process aimed at constructing a mutual agreement that delineates future interactions [3,5].

Historically, much research has attempted to explain the etiology of sexual interest in BDSM through a pathological lens, positing that sadomasochistic interests stem from sources such as childhood sexual abuse [11,29]. In fact, this viewpoint still partially persists, as the DSM-5 [30] retains the classifications for sexual masochism disorder, sexual sadism disorder, and fetishism disorder. Nevertheless, in terms of diagnostic characteristics, the same publication emphasizes that individuals who do not report distress—manifesting through anxiety, obsessions, guilt, or shame regarding these paraphilic impulses—and who do not feel impaired in pursuing other personal goals cannot be diagnosed with a disorder. Instead, they may be characterized, depending on the individual case, as having a sexual interest in masochism, sadism, or fetishism.

The inclusion of atypical sexual interests in diagnostic manuals is not, however, consensus within the scientific community, and even less so among practitioners [31]. Part of the scientific literature in the field of human sexuality and sexual behaviour argues that this perpetuates the stigmatization of practices and practitioners whose interests in this area may be considered common and even healthy [5,32,33]. Research findings compare this stigmatization process to that faced by other sexual minorities (e.g., LGBTQ+), who are subjected to prejudice and social discrimination simply for deviating from societal norms regarding sexuality [22,34]. In terms of the consequences of the pathologization and stigmatization of BDSM, research has also highlighted that individuals with experience in this universe tend to hide their interests and practices from people close to them, including partners, as well as from professionals in clinical and health contexts [8,19]. The idea of feeling judged and discriminated feeds a shame that they want to avoid at all costs, which leads to the greater isolation of these practitioners. This reality not only hinders the sharing of experiences, as well as informed clarification on issues related to sexuality and specific sexual practices, even if atypical, but also encourages the development of anxiety and depressive symptoms, as well as, in the most severe cases, suicidal ideation [25].

In recent decades, research has focused on studying various sociodemographic variables among BDSM practitioners [35] and a multitude of dimensions, including communication issues between involved parties, the negotiation of agreements concerning practices, and sexual consent [16,36,37,38,39], the meanings attributed by practitioners to BDSM and its repetitive practices [40], gender dynamics in BDSM [20,28,41,42], BDSM as a recreational practice [43,44,45,46], and BDSM as a spiritual practice [20,23,47,48].

In terms of sociodemographics, several studies on BDSM practitioners have shown that they are typically white, well-educated, and predominantly young (e.g., [19,35,49,50,51]. According to Brown et al. [11], BDSM practitioners also exhibit higher rates of non-monogamy. Regarding sexual experience, Tomassilli et al. [52] noted that BDSM practitioners engage in sexual relations at an earlier age.

Concerning communication, research findings suggest that, as a principle, in their BDSM experiences, practitioners commit to negotiating the conditions of encounters and regularly monitoring the effects of the practices performed. This implies a willingness to foster continuous, open, empathetic, and responsive communication [31]. Such communication is essential for discussing and reaching consensus on the activities to be undertaken, as well as for determining how to stop them if necessary, and for considering the potential risks associated with certain behaviours [11].

In fact, BDSM experiences do not always involve sexual relations in the conventional sense (i.e., penetrative), but rather an investment in the erotic construction of a power exchange that may include bondage, discipline, domination, submission, symbols, physical pain, humiliation, and fetishes [3]. Many practices considered BDSM are thus rated positively, even if they do not involve genital contact [20].

Scientific evidence also suggests that BDSM can liberate individuals from traditional gender roles and may even subvert them in a context of negotiated intimacy, benefiting all parties involved [41]. Since BDSM practitioners often associate their practices with terms like toys, games, play, or fantasies, it is conceivable that such practices may be viewed as recreational [11].

Regarding the benefits of engaging in BDSM practices, Rehor [53] (2015) found that more than half of participants reported experiencing sexual pleasure from engaging in acts of verbal or physical humiliation, exhibitionism, sensory deprivation, physical punishment, breath play, obedience training, domestic service/submission activities, or forced actions. Physiologically, research results indicate that participating in BDSM activities reduces cortisol levels and, consequently, stress [22,48,54].

The literature also notes that the fact that BDSM does not necessarily centre on traditionally sexualized body parts may contribute to reducing shame and liberating individuals, albeit temporarily, from the burdens of socially imposed, inhibitive attributes [35]. This liberation facilitates a form of the eroticization of power, fueled by fantasies, imagery, symbolism, mystery, secrecy, and transgression [15,31,55]. Furthermore, according to Turley et al. [3], this investment in the erotic dimension seems to materialize in the adoption of typical roles (e.g., dominant, submissive, switch) that allow individuals to diversify their sexual repertoire [56] and, consequently, dramatize distinct sets of behaviours [22].

Finally, from a spiritual perspective, Carlström [20] suggests that BDSM practice can be understood as a process of expansion, creation, and increasing connection, wherein desire is viewed not as something lacking or needed, but rather as a journey of exploration and self-improvement.

The Current Research

Despite the growing interest in BDSM practices in various scientific fields, including Psychology, there remains relatively little empirical investigation into the qualitative experiences of eroticism among its practitioners [3], specifically regarding male practitioners, aligned with the tenets of hegemonic masculinity [57,58,59]. Hegemonic masculinity is associated with power, emotional control, and domination. Yet a proportion of heterosexual male BDSM practitioners are submissive, and little is known about them, especially qualitatively [5,18,41,60]. Nonetheless, other, albeit scarce, studies have indicated that heterosexual men may prefer to adopt the role of the submissive in BDSM practices [61,62]. Additionally, some research has shown no significant differences between male and female practitioners [63].

The present qualitative study, anchored in a phenomenological perspective [64], aimed to address the following research question: How are BDSM submissive experiences lived by heterosexual Portuguese men? This research is guided by a non-pathologizing approach and aims to describe the submission experiences of heterosexual Portuguese men within the BDSM context. In terms of its specific objectives, the study aimed to carry out the following: (1) contextualize the motivations that led participants to enter the BDSM community, (2) explore the evolution of participants’ interactions with their partners, and (3) assess the meanings assigned to BDSM submissive practices.

2. Materials and Methods

2.1. Participants

The sample was constructed through a non-probabilistic sampling process [65], given its specificity and relative inaccessibility. Subject to the inclusion criteria (1) individuals must be of legal age, (2) possess Portuguese nationality, (3) be or have been a BDSM practitioner, and (4) identify with the submissive role as a BDSM practitioner.

The study involved 14 Portuguese men aged between 24 and 63 years (M = 43.07; SD = 12.49). All participants identified as cisgender heterosexual men. In terms of educational background, eleven participants held a bachelor’s degree, one completed secondary education (which corresponds to twelve years of schooling in Portugal), and three completed the third cycle of basic education (equivalent to nine years of schooling). Regarding marital status, seven identified as single, three as married, two in a consensual union, and two as divorced. Concerning professional status, all participants reported being employed (cf.

Table 1. Sociodemographic characteristics of participants.

Participant	Age	Gender Identity	Sexual Orientation	Marital Status	Academic Qualifications	Profession
P1	39	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Single	Third Cycle	Maintenance Technician
P2	36	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Single	Third Cycle	Customer Support
P3	30	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Single	Graduated	Architect
P4	31	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Stable Union	Graduated	Computer Engineer
P5	24	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Single	Graduated	Store Assistant
P6	37	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Single	Graduated	Nurse
P7	50	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Separated	Graduated	Teacher
P8	36	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Single	Secondary	Electrician
P9	56	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Married	Graduated	Lawyer
P10	47	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Single	Graduated	Civil Servant
P11	57	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Married	Graduated	Computer Engineer
P12	63	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Separated	Graduated	Engineer
P13	61	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Married	Graduated	Senior Management
P14	36	Cis Man	Heterosexual	Stable Union	Graduated	Commercial

).

2.2. Instrument

The collection of empirical material was supported by a sociodemographic questionnaire and a semi-structured interview guide. The questionnaire was designed to gather information regarding age, sexual orientation, marital status, education, and profession. The construction of the interview guide resulted from an extensive literature review and was implemented in a semi-directive format. This instrument consists of open-ended and exploratory questions related to the study’s objectives. The aim was to facilitate the development of a conversation that (1) contextualized the emergence of the participants’ interest in the BDSM universe (e.g., how would you describe the awakening of your interest in BDSM practices?); (2) explored the development of the participants’ BDSM practices (e.g., how are the limits of consent defined between the parties?); and (3) challenged participants to reflect on their personal experiences and potential future perspectives in this domain (e.g., what do submission practices mean to you in the context of BDSM?).

To validate the interview guide, the proposal by Torlig et al. [66], which provides guidelines for the validation of qualitative research instruments, was adopted.

2.3. Procedures

Once the study was approved by the Ethics Committee of the Faculty of Human and Social Sciences at Fernando Pessoa University [CE/FCHS—29 March 2018], recruitment efforts were initiated through a social network aimed at the BDSM community (https://fetlife.com (accessed on 19 April 2018) and two escort service websites (https://www.classificadosx.net/pt and https://www.adultosclassificados.com (accessed on 19 April 2018)). The message shared on these platforms informed potential participants about the study, its overall objective, the inclusion and exclusion criteria, confidentiality limits, anonymity, recording procedures, and the option to withdraw at any time, as well as the availability of additional information and support if needed.

Several individuals contacted the first author, expressing interest in participating in the study. Questions, primarily regarding the duration of the interviews, were answered, and individuals were assured that interviews could be divided into more than one session if necessary. Since the data collection was conducted online, a Consent Statement was provided to all participants in accordance with the ethical principles of research involving human subjects.

At the participants’ discretion, all interviews were conducted in Portuguese without video and in written format, reflecting the expressed wishes of the participants. The interviews took place over Zoom, via chat. The interviews had an average duration of seven hours, divided across different sessions. It was recommended for all participants to use a nickname during the interview to minimize any perceived vulnerability.

All participants reported that the study’s focus on a non-pathologizing perspective heightened their curiosity in the research, encouraging them to share their experiences exhaustively with a stranger for the first time.

2.4. Data Analysis

Following the complete transcription of the interviews, data analysis was conducted guided by the thematic analysis method, in accordance with the framework proposed by Braun and Clarke [67]. As noted by the authors, thematic analysis is a flexible method for analyzing qualitative data, regardless of the theoretical framework adopted, research questions, data collection methods, or number of participants. It allows for the identification, analysis, and reporting of patterns or themes within a dataset, thereby enhancing the mapping and understanding of explicit and implicit meanings associated with textual data.

Thematic analysis consists of six distinct phases: (1) familiarization with the data, (2) coding of the data, (3) generation of initial themes, (4) review and development of themes, (5) refinement, definition, and naming of themes, and (6) production of the report. This data analysis method allows for a rich description of the data or, alternatively, provides a detailed description of a specific aspect of the data. The analysis can be inductive, deductive, or mixed, and the themes can be more semantic or latent.

The present study involved a fundamentally deductive analysis, as the literature review on the topic informed the practice. However, the data provided relevant information, which also prompted a more inductive analysis. Thus, in the initial phase, the themes identified were primarily semantic, while the subthemes were largely latent.

3. Results

The analytical process allowed for the identification of three central themes: (A) the awakening of interest in the BDSM universe and the identification with a role, (B) contacts, encounters, and (dis)continuities, and (C) erotic and sexual experiences (un)veiled. Considering the extensive volume of the material collected, the following presents the themes and subthemes, along with the most illustrative excerpts, organized according to the research question and respective objectives (cf.

Table 2. Themes and subthemes.

Themes	Subthemes
A. Between the Awakening and Consolidation of Interest in the BDSM Universe	A1. The Awakening
	A2. The Consolidation
	A3. Fears, Rules, and Limits
B. Contacts, Encounters, and (Dis)continuities	B1. The Primacy of Cyberspace
	B2. Encounters
	B3. Continuities
	B4. Discontinuities
C. Erotic and Sexual Experiences (Un)veiled	C1. The Intentional Pursuit of Pleasure
	C2. The Importance of Eroticism
	C3. (Im)possible Conciliations
	C4. Assessments and Future Perspectives

). As this is a qualitative study, the selection of the excerpts from the interviews presented below was based on the way in which they responded to the objectives of the study and not on their representativeness.

A.

Between the Awakening and the Consolidation of Interest in the BDSM Universe

 A1.

The Awakening

When invited to reflect on the origin of their interest in the BDSM universe, participants associated it with a set of factors that, in general, highlighted the following: (1) an essentialist view, perceived as a sort of individual nature, and (2) a perspective of openness to new experiences, expressed in curiosity and a conscious desire to research and responsibly experiment with something considered beyond the mundane.

“I never looked into the subject. I’d say it just came naturally, like a destiny. In a way, I believe that some are born for it and others are not. I was born to serve a dominatrix, to be submissive. In a way, BDSM came to me because it had to, I was made for it, that’s how I interpret it.”

(P14)

“I feel good about myself when I’m being commanded, carrying out a woman’s orders, particularly in the sexual field.”

(P12)

“I’ve always been very passionate about sex and have always been curious to try different things. Anything that could be described as a fetish; of course, I only explore fetishes that interest me. I think my first fetish was loving a woman’s feet.”

(P2)

“What got me into this practice was getting out of the routine of our sexual relations.”

(P1)

“My interest in BDSM began when the first 50 Shades of Grey book was released. After that I started reading other erotic books: Venus in Furs, 120 Days of Sodom and The Dominatrix. At the same time, I started researching and wanting to know more about the subject, so I registered on Fetlife.”

(P6)

“For me it all started as a simple fetish. The attraction began with feet and shoes. It must have had something to do with my mum’s maid or one of my aunts, where I spent some time. I remember being very small and my aunt’s maid walking with me in the kitchen. I’d walk behind her with my feet tucked between her heels and shoes. It was innocent fun. When it came to one of my mum’s maids, who always wore shoes in the house, I loved sniffing and licking them when she went outside. And then put them on. The association with the term BDSM only came around the age of 18 when I bought my first issue of an American magazine.”

(P11)

 A2.

The Consolidation

We aimed to understand how the participants’ awakening of interest in the BDSM universe evolved over time, and, in particular, the process of identifying with the submissive role. The next participant’s introverted nature, combined with their attraction to women described as having a dominant personality, appeared to influence their identification with the submissive role.

“I’m quite shy. I’ve always been attracted to women with a dominant personality. I think that shows in my behaviour. It was a matter of chance that I came across the first lady who guessed my submissive personality and enjoyed taking advantage of it to satisfy her desires. I feel an irrepressible thrill if a sensual woman chooses me as an object of her power and an affirmation of her superiority. The desire to perform a role reversal is the maximum exponent of my fulfilment as a submissive. There really can be no more humiliating an act than for a woman to take on the role of the male and force him to accept being the female. I don’t feel any particular physical pleasure in this act, but the psychological pleasure is amazing, especially if it’s accompanied by adjusted verbal humiliation.”

(P9)

The exploration of submission, in the context of BDSM, seems to be, for some participants, an inherently seductive idea, positively evaluated based on their experiences, which subverts traditional gender roles.

“What fascinated me from an early age was submission and surrender to another person. What I was looking for when I joined the BDSM Community was to meet people and explore my submission, giving myself to someone else. Because I was fascinated by everything, especially surrendering to another person and also the whole ceremonial aspect of BDSM, which is very interesting.”

(P7)

“I feel good about myself being commanded, carrying out all a woman’s orders, particularly in the sexual field.”

(P12)

“I understand submission as the act of pleasing a dominatrix, serving her, submitting to her desires and wishes. Being able to submit to anything for her, able to prove servitude and respect, able to be humiliated for her pure pleasure or as proof of fidelity.”

(P4)

“Submission goes far beyond BDSM stereotypes, leather, crosses, handcuffs, whips and lashes. Many years ago, a colleague told me that the erogenous zone of our body wasn’t between our legs, it was between our ears. It took me a while to digest, but I completely agree.”

(P3)

 A3.

Fears, Rules, and Limits

During their accounts of entering the BDSM universe, participants listed various fears, rules, and limits associated with engaging in experiences perceived as atypical and not without diverse risks. Initially, the risk of meeting someone they did not know, as well as the concern of being seen by third parties, were highlighted.

“Especially when you go on a date to meet the person you’ve met online, there are always some risks involved.”

(P5)

“Just the fear of being spotted by people who know nothing.”

(P12)

All participants emphasized the importance of discretion regarding their involvement in BDSM practices. In this sense, the potential breach of confidentiality by the person with whom they may have contact or involvement was particularly noted as a significant concern. One participant compared this worry to that of someone possessing any non-normative identity or behaviour.

“No more than being gay, professing the ‘wrong’ religion or sympathising with the “wrong” party, or any form of falling outside the ‘norm’ of the community in which we live. There are taboo subjects. Sexuality, religion, politics, football—no one tries to stir up controversy unless they’re drunk.”

(P11)

Ensuring optimal conditions for sexual health was one of the most frequently mentioned concerns by participants, which, according to their experiences, is always addressed collaboratively.

“All sessions are always discussed first, all sexual objects must be disinfected (I trust the dominatrixes on this) and of course, personal hygiene is also a determining factor.”

(P2)

“If the relationships are promiscuous (with multiple partners, for example) the risks are identical to other sexual relationships (AIDS, venereal diseases, etc.).”

(P9)

“I think the precautions are the same as in any relationship. However, when it comes to the practice of showers, you have to be careful, as both can transmit diseases other than HIV. Never ingest any liquid or solid from the showers.”

(P1)

“The same precautions apply as with other sexual relations, plus the issue of hygiene and cleaning the instruments used.”

(P3)

“I use condoms, but as I don’t usually like to, I prefer not to have sex because of the fact that I’m watching or that they’re watching me, cuddling and other fetish practices is enough for me. Because sex is like eating a steak every day! You have to experiment, in other words, I try to avoid as much as possible sexual contact that could cause illness.”

(P4)

According to participants’ experiences, safeguarding the self-determination of those involved during BDSM practices, particularly for the individual in the submissive role, is always agreed upon by defining a safe word in advance. Whenever this word is uttered by one of the parties, ongoing practices immediately cease, reinforcing the issue of sexual consent.

“There’s a sense of nervousness, excitement about what’s going to happen, what we’re going to feel, how much pain/pleasure an action is going to cause. The safe word is more to put the submissive at ease, knowing that they can always end the session at any time. Imagine that the submissive is receiving some punishment, he can say ‘no…no more, please’ but that doesn’t mean that he wants the dominatrix to stop, these are words that are part of the game, so it’s important to have a very distinct word, such as Blue or Sky or anything that won’t be used in the session, because shouting, asking to stop is part of the game.”

(P6)

“Everyone in the community with whom I was involved respected all the codes of conduct. Every time I had to use the safe word. You have to develop a relationship of trust.”

(P7)

“I’ve never submitted without first getting to know the lady’s personality. And domination/submission is a process that develops over time, allowing limits to be set.”

(P8)

“We know our limits in order to please. A good dominatrix realizes this and also takes care of the submissive. What I feel is an enormous power on the other side, when you find a dominatrix, I’m automatically a submissive. It never occurred to me that my limits wouldn’t be respected, my submission was total, I had a signed contract.”

(P14)

B.

Contacts, Meetings, and (Dis)continuities

 B1.

The Primacy of Cyberspace

As a general rule, establishing contacts among practitioners occurs online and follows well-defined and explicit criteria between the parties involved. This is a space with multiple platforms and functionalities, perceived as safe, used for gathering information from websites and themed chats, as well as for connecting with potential partners and scheduling in-person meetings.

“Things become much easier when we have access to almost unlimited information. With chats and thematic websites, you realize you’re not alone and it’s easy to search for and share experiences and feelings. I’ve met many people from the community in person. The entire Portuguese BDSM community is on Fetlife, a BDSM-specific site. I’ve also browsed a Brazilian site where there are people from all over the world.”

(P10)

“I met the person in question in a Facebook group. We spoke via Messenger for about two months before we met for the first time.”

(P3)

“I only practised with someone I didn’t know anywhere and who put an announcement on a website.”

(P8)

The use of the Internet appears to be regarded as a safer way to research information and, potentially, to find prospective partners according to pre-defined inclusion and exclusion criteria.

“I’ve met a lady I’ve been talking to over the last few days and I think she could fulfil all the requirements to be my dominatrix. I only feel a real desire to submit to a woman if she charms me with her physique, but also, and above all, with her personality.”

(P9)

“I’m looking for someone who knows what she wants. Someone with a clear head, without any traumas or pathological conditions. Someone who is physically and mentally well, has a drug-free lifestyle and a stable professional life. These are my basic criteria.”

(P12)

“The most important thing is openness and mutual respect.”

(P6)

 B2.

Meetings

According to participants’ experiences, online communication serves as an entry point into a universe that is more difficult to access through face-to-face interactions. Indeed, for some participants, the first sessions occur through technology-mediated communication, during which there is a gradual effort to establish and consolidate a relationship of trust. Still, not all participants view the possibility of engaging in BDSM practices online positively.

“Online is much easier. All you need is a keyboard to let your imagination run wild. And there are thousands of candidates available at the click of a button. Online has the advantage of being practical and easy. Even so, face-to-face meetings have a stronger emotional charge. And you feel the weight of greater responsibility. Face-to-face requires preparation. Psychological preparation included.”

(P11)

“I don’t find online sessions much fun at all. I’ve never even done it. I need to feel the closeness and touch.”

(P9)

The first face-to-face meeting rarely culminates in sexual activity. One participant emphasizes the importance of this initial occasion for fostering a candid conversation in which boundaries are defined, and possibilities are left open.

“There’s always a conversation to set the boundaries and what’s going to happen in the session. There’s also usually a safe word in case I want to stop immediately. Of course, this happens on the first meeting. After that, we can talk about new experiences or practices that I want to explore.”

(P13)

Some participants seem to invest more time in online conversations before proceeding to an in-person meeting. One participant shared the experience of their first face-to-face meeting with the person that would become their dominant partner.

“I spoke to that person for a while and naturally got my expectations up. Everything that was said online was confirmed, from the physical appearance to the story told. Everything matched, everything lived up to my expectations and there was also chemistry between us. I was totally inexperienced and open to trying almost anything.”

(P4)

The choice of the location for the first in-person meeting was deemed important by most participants. Between a public and a private space, all participants indicated that they preferred a public place, particularly in the initial stages.

“The first meeting was in a public space to get to know each other personally and understand if there was any chemistry.”

(P7)

“We met in a café, and I was thrilled. She was hot, in her 30s, determined and authoritarian. She clearly showed that she loved making a man her female. She was discreet, worked for a company and wanted to keep that passion secret.”

(P9)

All participants, without exception, evaluated their first in-person meetings with a dominant woman positively.

“I was hypnotized. I felt like I was in a movie, I reacted like an automaton and I dived into the situation with passion. It must have been art, because she moaned and squirmed with pleasure. Other encounters followed regularly, in which she gradually trained me to her pleasure, subjecting me to her pleasure, which also gave her immense pleasure.”

(P10)

“It was undoubtedly something I had never felt before. A power that is difficult to explain, a unique power that, in a way, makes a person do and remain silent.”

(P14)

 B3.

Continuities

Regarding the continuity of meetings, participants’ experiences suggest that this is variable not only in terms of modality (online or in-person) and frequency, but also concerning the individual with whom the meeting takes place.

“Online practice? Two or three times a week.”

(P8)

“It depends on my availability of time and emotional will. Like everything in life, it doesn’t always happen. Some days I just don’t have the energy.”

(P2)

“Until a certain point, I had a dominatrix, I was the property of a Mistress.”

(P13)

“It gives me pleasure to be naked obeying one or more women.”

(P12)

“I use professional dominatrixes because they are qualified and know what they are doing. If it were free, I’d go more often.”

(P4)

 B4.

Discontinuities

While some meetings extend over time, rewarding the involved parties, others, for various reasons, do not continue.

“My former dominatrix emigrated, and I was released by her. We cancelled the property contract. I haven’t had an owner for about six months now.”

(P10)

“Little by little, she started asking me for money to buy lingerie. Later, she started asking me for larger sums, under the most absurd pretexts. I realized that the situation was becoming unsustainable. I took advantage of a holiday to cut back. And she realized. Months later, she tried to start again, but even though I wanted her madly, I managed to resist.”

(P9)

C.

Erotic and Sexual Experiences (Un)veiled

 C1.

The Intentional Pursuit of Pleasure

The participants acknowledged their involvement in BDSM practices as a right to pleasure and the legitimization of an intentional, collaborative, and mutually satisfying quest within the realm of sexuality.

“BDSM adds new emotions, it’s like a little hot sauce to your food. You don’t do it all the time, but when you do, you sweat. It feels good. I think it’s great fun to try new things and it’s even healthy. I think everyone should try everything, unfortunately many people don’t have the courage.”

(P12)

“It’s not easy to explain. It’s similar to the state of passion in falling in love. These days, for example, nothing is more important to me than imagining how the process of submitting to a new dominatrix will go. I’ve already put on the underwear she’s ordered me to over and over again, watching myself in the mirror. I imagine that she will order me to put on a little maid’s apron, without anything else, leaving my butt exposed for any punishments. Because she’s sent me to buy a spanking kit, for the first time I’m intensely hoping that she’ll feel like giving me a good spanking on my bare bottom. How can I explain these emotions? I really don’t know. On returning from my shopping, I went to the office in the evening, where I was able to start the training I’d been ordered to do on my own. With what enthusiasm I buried myself in the Plug, wanting my teacher to know how hard I was trying to please her. The explosion of pleasure is extraordinary, probably only comparable to what I hear is a woman’s multiple orgasm.”

(P1)

 C2.

The Importance of Eroticism

The intentional pursuit of pleasure referenced in the previous section underscores the significance of eroticism, characterized by intense experiences involving words, transgression, secrecy, and fantasy.

“The BDSM experience is like a tsunami. It’s an experience with an overwhelming erotic intensity that makes you vibrate to the core. It’s a unique pleasure, unlike anything else. I’ve never taken drugs, but I believe it must be a very similar sensation. It brings me a pleasurable anxiety of the heart beating so hard you can feel it in your ears. Almost short of breath. Hands and lips trembling.”

(P7)

“I think secrecy is an essential component of excitement.”

(P10)

One participant described a rare experience that was, in their estimation, highly pleasurable, especially due to the potential risk of being discovered by their spouse.

“On one occasion, my dominatrix decided to put me to the test and demanded that I put on a chastity belt for a week, keeping the key with her, knowing the enormous risk I was running if, by any chance, I was discovered. That week was perhaps the most exciting of my life. As well as having to avoid any contact with my wife, I was forced to exercise extreme caution so as not to be taken by surprise.”

(P9)

Verbal humiliation, role-playing as a pet, the sensation of being controlled by a dominatrix, servitude, and exhibitionism were some examples presented by participants as genuinely exciting practices, but only if the submissive possesses high self-esteem and is secure in themselves.

“Verbal humiliation only requires the submissive to have good self-esteem, otherwise it can lead to problems. I enjoy it. Just as I enjoy pet play, where I play the role of a pet. I love facesitting.”

(P8)

 C3.

(Im)possible Conciliations

Generally, the interviewed participants exhibited a keen awareness of the social stigmatization surrounding BDSM practices and their practitioners. For this reason, they emphasized the need to establish clear boundaries between what they considered the public, private, and secret dimensions of their lives, with the latter encompassing their experiences in this realm.

“In my public and family life I’m completely straightforward and conservative. If I found it amusing, and I don’t, to be humiliated by my wife when a crisis arises, it would be thrown in my face. For me, the charm is greater precisely because I’m subjected to a stranger. That’s why I can’t conceive of having this kind of relationship with a friend. I also find this kind of relationship between a couple unsustainable. BDSM is part of my secret life.”

(P9)

“I’ve never shared with my wife.”

(P13)

“In my private life, in a relationship, I’ve never put this into practice.”

(P14)

“As a man and a husband, I’m sweet and loving. I’ve been married for over twenty years and have had sex with my wife hundreds of times. I’m the father of two beautiful daughters. But the pleasure I get from BDSM can’t be compared to anything else.”

(P11)

The prospect of someone discovering that the participants not only enjoy the BDSM universe, but also have some experience in it, generates profound apprehension and discomfort.

“If I were found out, I would feel immense shame. I’m terrified that someone in my family or friends might discover this side of me.”

(P13)

“Anything that goes outside the norm is hypothetically unaccepted. Even more so if the subject is related to sexuality. My friends think I’m a nice, normal person. They would be shocked if they discovered this side of me and I would die of shame.”

(P11)

“It would be a huge public humiliation and the end of a life in my home area. I couldn’t bear to be seen in a different way.”

(P2)

The interviewees also stated that despite their affinity for the BDSM community, there are practices they cannot envision themselves trying.

“Practices involving blood, needles or electro-stimulation. Golden or black shower is completely out of the question.”

(P5)

“I will never accept practices that involve the participation of other men. I only like women.”

(P1)

“Scat and anything involving blood.”

(P3)

“I will never take part in practices that involve pain or anything that could be punishable by the courts. These practices are about feeling good, not the other way round.”

(P12)

 C4.

Evaluations and Future Perspectives

Finally, we wanted to explore the participants’ evaluations and future perspectives regarding their experiences within the BDSM realm. All interviewees provided a positive assessment of their experiences, highlighting erotic vitality as a strong component.

“BDSM made me embrace my nature. It brought me new emotions. It’s a bit like hot sauce on food. You don’t do it all the time, but when you do, you sweat. It feels good. I think it’s great fun and even healthy to try new things.”

(P2)

“BDSM fascinates me. I’m particularly fascinated by the submission to another person and all the ceremonies involved. It’s brought me a new way of exploring my sexuality.”

(P5)

“BDSM helped me get my head straight. It helped me realize that there are hundreds of thousands of people like me. People who enjoy something that, at first glance, might seem strange. It helped me put labels on things. It helped me realize that we all feel very strongly about something, albeit in different ways.”

(P11)

“BDSM has brought me encouragement, happiness. It allows me to feel good, with desire. I would say that BDSM, for me, is a need like any other.”

(P12)

In terms of future perspectives, the participants’ responses appeared promising in terms of continuity, although they acknowledged the possibility of taking breaks.

“It’s something I can’t answer for sure. I know I feel submissive, I recognize that. So, as long as that’s the case, I admit to continuing.”

(P2)

“Although I have an account on Fetlife, I’m not an active practitioner at the moment. But yes, I’m considering going back.”

(P5)

“I think there will always be phases. Moments when I might feel more like repeating the experience.”

(P8)

“I take such great pleasure in submission and so many of its variants that I can’t even resist continuing.”

(P9)

“You never know what tomorrow will bring, but I’d say I’m here to carry on. I feel that the older I get, the more I enjoy it. It always makes me feel young. The fact that I’ve never smoked or drunk alcohol also makes me look younger, which is also what I’m aiming for.”

(P12)

4. Discussion

At some point in their lives, most individuals have entertained an unusual sexual fantasy or engaged in sexual practices deemed more eccentric [5,15]. Unconventional sexual thoughts and behaviours add spice to sexual experiences and stimulate the erotic vitality of individuals [1]. The primary aim of this article is to describe the experiences of heterosexual Portuguese men regarding submission within the BDSM context, seeking to understand these experiences from a non-pathologizing perspective. The study explores the journeys and narratives of individuals who have awakened to an interest in the BDSM universe and how this interest has developed over time. Additionally, it examines the evolution of practitioners’ interactions within this domain and the meanings they attribute to their practice.

The interviewees associated their initial interest in BDSM with individual factors, often perceived as a calling, as well as influences from erotic literature and media, particularly the film industry and themed websites. These findings align with previous studies suggesting a fundamental dichotomy contrasting intrinsic versus extrinsic influences on atypical sexual interests [29]. Intrinsic origins—also termed essentialist, dispositional, trait-based, sexual orientation, or identity—are those rooted in the personal history of individuals [2,11,26,49]. In fact, some interviewees recalled experiencing an early interest in submission-oriented games and play during childhood and adolescence, albeit in a non-eroticized or unexpressed manner. This interest was linked to a trait of introversion, corroborating findings from earlier studies [20,50]. However, all participants made it clear that their experiences of submission were intentional, deeply pleasurable, and fulfilling, existing exclusively in the context of BDSM and contrasting sharply with their performances in other areas of life, such as family, work, or social settings. Other authors have noted that sexually submissive individuals reported significantly more psychological difficulties than their sexually dominant counterparts, particularly regarding anxiety and self-esteem [18]. Yet, in this study, such issues were not observed, which is consistent with results from other studies conducted with non-clinical samples [11,25].

Regarding extrinsic, particularly environmental influences, the literature indicates that some BDSM practitioners were victims of sexual abuse during childhood [29]. However, in the present study, no participant reported episodes of such nature or any other forms of childhood maltreatment. The majority of interviewees emphasized the significance of erotic literature, the film industry, and themed websites in expanding their knowledge and stimulating their curiosity, as these resources intensified their need and desire to break away from mundane sexual routines to experience something distinct that involved a collaborative construction of pleasure. This has been corroborated by other studies suggesting that contemporary individuals are encouraged to seek personal and sexual fulfilment while breaking free from the constraints of a cultural, social, and familial life constrained by normative prescriptions that generally dissuade men from engaging in submissive practices [15,55,57,58].

Throughout the interviews, all participants acknowledged having some fears related to BDSM practices, along with a firm stance regarding the establishment of rules and limits. Initially, there was a concern about their interest and, in particular, their involvement in these practices being discovered by family members, acquaintances, or friends, leading to shame and discrimination. The notion of being humiliated outside the BDSM context was vehemently rejected by all participants. The findings suggest an internalization of the social stigma associated with BDSM, which again aligns with the existing literature in this field [22,34]. This factor makes these men particularly cautious, especially in how they choose to contact potential partners, opting for online modes that are deemed safer. Attention was also given to sexual health matters, particularly in the prevention of sexually transmitted infections, in line with findings from other studies involving BDSM practitioners [3]. Participants also noted the importance of being emotionally stable to engage in submission practices. Creating an erotic fantasy context is crucial for BDSM eroticism, which includes adopting antagonistic yet complementary roles of submissive versus dominant to achieve mutual pleasure.

A central issue in the narratives of all participants was the importance placed on consent. All practices are pre-negotiated in detail and agreed upon by the involved parties, along with defining a safe word to utilize whenever they wish to interrupt any undesired act. Consent, in fact, is a fundamental topic in BDSM culture, unanimously evidenced in the literature [16,23,24,28]. All interviewees reported taking special pleasure in dominant partners who can subject them to their whims with requirements, firmness, and superiority. This phenomenon unfolds in a performance that convincingly simulates the annulment of the autonomy of submissive partners. The literature on this topic indicates that the power and elevated status achieved by the dominant partner constitute a significant source of excitement for submissive participants [3].

BDSM consists of dramatized role-play, generally between someone who dominates and someone who is dominated. As previously mentioned, there are also individuals who alternate between these roles, depending on their motivations and the context in the moment. This dramatized exercise of power was presented by participants as deeply exciting and fundamental to the erotic vitality of the relationship. Participants’ experiences revealed an intentional pursuit of pleasure, fueled by imagination, which includes all fantasies, by a sensory component that encompasses stimuli related to the five senses, as well as novelty, mystery, and the notion of prohibition. As the literature notes, eroticism removes individuals from comfort and security, requiring tension as a prerequisite for increased pleasure [15,55]. For this reason, married participants reported that they could not conceive of engaging in BDSM practices with their partners, and unmarried participants also aligned with this viewpoint. In fact, the literature suggests that erotic desire does not always align with intimate relationships based on companionship and the sharing of the everyday responsibilities of the so-called real world [1,31]. All participants evaluated their BDSM experiences positively, viewing them as a facet of their lives and sexuality, albeit occasional and combined with what they considered conventional relationships. The contribution of BDSM was described as a special, desired ingredient, but not fundamental for a satisfying sexual life. None of the participants reported any impulsivity, discomfort, or deficits in social, occupational, or other important areas of life, thus allowing us to reject the presence of a sexual masochism disorder [30].

4.1. Limitations

All studies have their limitations, and this one is no exception. Firstly, the small number of participants, along with some of their sociodemographic characteristics, stands out. This study involved only heterosexual, cisgender men, the majority of whom had higher academic qualifications. They are all sporadic practitioners of BDSM who have internalized the stigma associated with their practices and, in this sense, were apprehensive about sharing their experiences in a face-to-face context, including within a research setting. All opted to conduct the interview online, without audio or video. Nonetheless, they all emphasized that having the opportunity to share their experiences with an unknown person was an important moment of reflection. For this reason, the findings presented cannot be generalized.

4.2. Practical Implications

There are several potential practical implications of this study. Firstly, it contributes to bringing to light the experiences of Portuguese men who were raised in a sociocultural context strongly marked by the idea of hegemonic masculinity—that is, the belief that a man should exhibit control and superiority in various areas of life, including sexual and emotional aspects [57,58]. The fact that these men desire to be sexually dominated by women while deriving increased pleasure from practices of humiliation and submission, within an intentionally defined context, reinforces the fragility of essentialist views regarding differences between men and women. In this sense, it exposes an intentional rupture with prescriptive stereotypes that regulate self-presentation and construction in diverse contexts, reinforcing the idea of fluid identity [9]. Consequently, a deeper understanding of this matter would be useful for comprehending variations in desire and sexual behaviour, limiting the dissemination of prejudice- and discrimination-based perspectives, particularly in educational, clinical, and health contexts.

4.3. Suggestions for Futures Studies

In the future, it would be interesting to examine, from a non-pathological perspective, the relationships between sexual orientation, relationship style preferences, gender, and sexual interests. It would also be valuable to study the experiences of men within the framework of consensual non-monogamous relationships, as well as in the context of sex work. Designing future studies using quantitative methodologies would allow for a larger number of participants, establishing representative samples of the population.

5. Conclusions

The understanding of the sexual experiences of Portuguese men who self-identify as submissive is a topic that deserves further investigation. Submission practices constitute a reality that encompasses a wide range of variations in sexual behaviour, which has historically been understood in diverse and even contradictory ways. Studies dedicated to BDSM practices, although still scarce, have provided some insight into the prevalence rates of sexual fantasies and behaviours, their etiology, explanatory theories, and the psychological correlates of individuals with such interests and experiences. The study conducted revealed that practitioners find submission activities exciting, and that erotic vitality necessitates both individual and dyadic investment. While the roles played by the individuals may appear contradictory—dominant vs. submissive—they actually seem to function in a complementary manner. The intentional pursuit of pleasure requires a paradigm shift in how desire and pleasure are perceived. This means that pleasure is something that invites exploration, discovery, and experimentation, and that should not force the reproduction of socially standardized practices. The data gathered in this study suggest that spontaneity has been replaced in these relationships by something that is consciously and actively sought, representing an erotic investment that presupposes the ownership of one’s own sexuality and sexual pleasure as a rightful claim, which demands communication, negotiation, and commitment.