Academics in Lockdown: A Gendered Perspective on Self-Esteem in Academia during the COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown
Abstract
:1. Introduction
2. Materials and Methods
2.1. Research Setting
2.2. Sample Characteristics
2.3. Ethics and Research Strategy
2.4. Data Analysis
3. Results
3.1. Theme 1: Negative Emotions Related to Self-Worth
Every course has had to be radically redeveloped (and dumbed down), and I constantly grapple with technology-fails. This has diminished and undermined my sense of who I am as an academic/professor, and the quality of knowledge I am able to convey to students. I now appear foolish and incompetent, and nothing seems to work effectively.(Established academic with no children)
I experienced doubt in my self-value, and this got to me sometimes.(Experienced academic with no children)
This lockdown has intruded into my very soul.(Mid-career academic with no children)
It is due to these meds and the therapy I am under that I have not jumped off a building.(Established academic with a child in high school)
I am not sure of my value any longer.(Established academic with one child in primary school and another in high school)
There is no number of words that can describe my feelings at the moment.(Established academic with one child in primary school and another in high school)
I am not as concerned about my research and work as I am about my mental health …(Early-career academic without children)
I do not experience joy in my work context at this stage.(Established academic without children)
I had a mental breakdown.(Experienced academic and mother of two young teens; this was her comment in full.)
3.2. Theme 2: Social Comparisons and Fear of Judgement
I feel I am going to be left behind in terms of growth compared to [those who are] males/single [or] with grown up kids.(Mid-career mother with a toddler)
When a crisis like this comes along, male academics get on with the business of research.(Experienced academic with two school-aged children)
It grates me to think that I must compete when there are such disparities between academics with children and those without.(Early-career academic with a kindergartener)
When I share my burden with my HOD [Head of Department] (does not have children and is single), she simply compares me to another female academic in another department who has a child and 30 Masters and PhD students and is amazing. That is, if she can continue to be amazing, why can’t you?(Established academic with a kindergartener and a child in primary school)
One of the biggest issues with lockdown has been my need to keep everything going and not to show that I am struggling to juggle everything. I know, come time for promotion, none of the men, and also not the women without young children or older children that require special attention, are going to give me an inch of slack. It will be “well you know, such and such did it, why are you not able to?”(Established academic with a child in primary school)
Whether single parents or not, working mothers have been under immense stress to continue as if this is a ‘new normal.’ This is a facade and negates the difficulties we are trying to live through.(Established academic with a pre-schooler)
This only compounded my sense of incompetence and anxiety … but I soldier on until I break or get fired.(Established academic with one child in kindergarten and another in primary school)
I believe that I am emotionally strong and capable of handling this transition. I have always been on top of my workload and I know that I am a strong performer but there are many times now when I feel overwhelmed, almost incompetent.(Mid-career academic and mother of a child in primary school; emphasis added)
I am new to a permanent post, so I feel I worked extra hard to prove myself.(Early-career mother of a senior high school student)
Being at home and not at the faculty, I have also not been able to prove myself useful to the department. In effect, COVID-19 may have erased my academic future.(Early-career academic with no children)
3.3. Theme 3: Peer Pressure
I am going to be made to feel more worthless in my department … Oh, this is painful.(Mid-career academic with two adult children).
I also became so focused on what I was doing that my self-esteem was linked to their feedback and kept going up and down out of proportion to their actual feedback. If I received negative feedback, I became very depressed and struggled for a day or two to regain momentum.(Mid-career academic with no children)
I once tried to ask for an extension in a Zoom meeting and was told this was an excuse and that we should be grateful that we have jobs and can work from home. This hurt me so much I cried for hours.(Mid-career mother of two young children)
I had the worst feedback from a journal regarding an article I submitted. When I read the article, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry. If my student submitted something like that to me, I would say pleases redo ALL your education … But at the time, I guess, I was so exhausted, I didn’t care.(Experienced academic with an infant and a pre-schooler)
My experience in higher education is that being overwhelmed (expressing it) is covertly perceived as a weakness and an impediment to achieving results. There has been no adjustment to expectations.(Early-career academic without children)
I suspect the other women in my Faculty were less open about the research difficulties they face because they’ve learnt that admitting to any difficulty makes them look weak, and it opens them up to being taken less seriously in their careers.(Early-career mother of a pre-schooler)
I feel too embarrassed to tell them I need to home school my kids in the morning. I am also worried that colleagues and students may complain that I am spending working hours home schooling. All this adds to my mental anxiety.(Established academic and mother of a kindergartener and a primary-schooler)
We were doing so well with this gender equality and equity stuff. Then BAM! Hello dark ages! Here’s a club, beat me and take me to your cave!(Experienced academic and mother of an infant and a toddler)
3.4. Theme 4: Link between Self-Esteem and Academic Identity
My academic career for 2020 has been a complete failure.(Early-career academic with a child in primary school)
I feel like I should be able to do the work but I’m not myself emotionally.(Early-career mother of a pre-schooler)
I’ve got two students through their Master’s degrees. I have submitted a book chapter, and I have been nominated for two awards … I feel that is not enough.(Mid-career mother of a child in primary school)
Like I’m failing at everything(Early-career mother of a kindergartener and a child in primary school)
Like I am constantly failing(Early-career academic with a toddler)
Like I am chasing my tail(Experienced academic with no children)
Like quitting(Early-career academic with no children)
Like I should be able to work (but can’t)(Early-career mother of a pre-schooler)
Like I am putting [in] double hours but getting less done(Established academic with no children)
Like I need a break or burnout(Experienced academic with no children)
Like I have failed here (work, home), I simply didn’t have enough time(Experienced academic with two adolescent children)
I worry that the lockdown will hinder my academic progress and impact on my reputation as a reliable and capable staff member.(Early-career mother of a toddler)
Part of how COVID has impacted, and will continue to impact me, my work, my sense of a professional self: I am not who I was before March (the month of the lockdown announcement). I feel different, as a teacher, as a writer, as a researcher.(Mid-career mother of two teenagers)
I do worry about the quality of work I am submitting.(Mid-career academic without children)
I am irritated with myself that I cannot complete tasks to a standard that I would like and what I deliver under normal circumstances. I am embarrassed at the quality and amount of work that I deliver.(Experienced academic with an infant and a toddler)
I am undervaluing my contributions because my self-esteem has taken a knock.(Mid-career mother of a child in primary school)
I feel I have let down a lot of people.(Mid-career academic without children)
I am an academic, a home school teacher, a housekeeper, a cook, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a family carer. And I am tired.(Experienced academic with a child in primary school)
I am proud of what I was able to accomplish, but I also need to acknowledge that it came at a price (own health, family’s wellness, feeling guilty over not meeting the demands of any of the roles as I would have wanted).(Mid-career academic with a toddler and a child in primary school)
4. Discussion
Recommendations and Limitations
Author Contributions
Funding
Institutional Review Board Statement
Informed Consent Statement
Data Availability Statement
Acknowledgments
Conflicts of Interest
References
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Theme | Subtheme | Codes |
---|---|---|
Negative emotions | Incompetence | Inadequacy |
Out of control | Overwhelmed, doubt, | |
Desperation | Suicidal thoughts, mental breakdown | |
Social comparison and fear of judgement | Left behind | Competition, inequity of care burdens, |
Lack of accommodation/empathy | Facade that everything is okay. Soldiering on, prove own worth | |
Peer pressure | Sensitivity to feedback | Little tolerance, asking for help seen as weakness, embarrassment |
Performance pressure | Coping with increased workload, lack of support, performing at home and work. | |
Academic identity | Underperforming in career goals | Helplessness, disappointment |
Upholding sense of professional self | Feeling like a failure |
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Walters, C.; Ronnie, L.; Plessis, M.d.; Jansen, J. Academics in Lockdown: A Gendered Perspective on Self-Esteem in Academia during the COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown. Sustainability 2023, 15, 4999. https://doi.org/10.3390/su15064999
Walters C, Ronnie L, Plessis Md, Jansen J. Academics in Lockdown: A Gendered Perspective on Self-Esteem in Academia during the COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown. Sustainability. 2023; 15(6):4999. https://doi.org/10.3390/su15064999
Chicago/Turabian StyleWalters, Cyrill, Linda Ronnie, Marieta du Plessis, and Jonathan Jansen. 2023. "Academics in Lockdown: A Gendered Perspective on Self-Esteem in Academia during the COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown" Sustainability 15, no. 6: 4999. https://doi.org/10.3390/su15064999